In-lightened Enterprises - Midlife Blog

Mrs. Astor Regrets

Mrs. Astor Regrets by Meryl Gordon (Houghton Mifflin)

The thrice-married Manhattan socialite Brooke Astor — she wed John Dryden Kuser at 17, Charles “Buddie” Marshall at 31 and finally, at 52, fur trade and real-estate heir Vincent Astor — had a lot to show for her unions, including acting as chairwoman for the Vincent Astor Foundation. She bore only one child, Anthony Marshall. What most Manhattanites — and perhaps most of the nation — will remember about Astor, who died in 2007 at age 105, are the headlines splashed across newspapers in her final days: her dutiful grandson Philip had sued his father for neglecting his grandmother, and Anthony Marshall was later arrested on charges of looting her estate. Author Meryl Gordon, a master of celebrity profiles, provides the reader with insight into the details of that scandal and the turbulent nature of her marriages — Kuser was an abusive drunk and adulterer, Marshall died suddenly, leaving her without an inheritance, and Astor was a suspicious man, believing everyone was out to get him. His paranoia resulted in the couple spending a lot of time alone. But her life wasn’t all gloom. Famous voices like Nancy Reagan, Tom Brokaw, and Barbara Walters recall a woman who was flirtatious and fun, and active well through her 90s. “At an age when few people are healthy or even ambulatory,” Gordon writes, “Brooke Astor was still in the thick of high society….” From where I’m standing, Mrs. Astor really shouldn’t have had any regrets. Yes, she fell victim to gossip and scandal, but she also had money and friendships, and a legacy of philanthropy that will long outlast the headlines.

– Cheryl Lock

Midlife is more than a crisis. It is a summons to grow and a challenge to change. Midlife beckons one inward. It is a move to interiority, a passage to the deeper places where we discover our authenticity, where we realize both our limitations and our grandeur. It is here that we come home to our truest Self. We take our external experiences with us to the inside and look at our life. We evaluate our goals, hopes, dreams, beliefs, behaviors, experiences - all that has marked us and contributed to the person we have become - and we ask ourselves: “Is this the person I want to be in the future?”

Preface

the persistent voice of midlife
wooed and wailed, wept and whined,
nagged like an endless toothache,
seduced like an insistent lover,
promised a guide to protect me
as I turned intently toward my soul.

as I stood at the door of “Go Deeper”
I heard the ego’s howl of resistance,
felt the shivers of my false security
but knew there could be no other way.
inward I traveled, down, down,
drawn further into the truth
than I ever intended to go.

as I moved far and deep and long
eerie things long lain hidden
jeered at me with shadowy voices,
while love I’d never envisioned
wrapped compassionate ribbons
’round my fearful, anxious heart.

further in I sank, to the depths,
past all my arrogance and confusion,
through all my questions and doubts,
beyond all I held to be fact.

finally I stood before a new door:
the Hall of Oneness and Freedom.
uncertain and wary, I slowly opened,
discovering a space of welcoming light.

I entered the sacred inner room
where everything sings of Mystery.
no longer could I deny or resist
the decay of clenching control
and the silent gasps of surrender.

there in that sacred place of my Self
Love of a lasting kind came forth,
embracing me like a long beloved one
come home for the first time.

much that I thought to be “me”
crept to the corners and died.
in its place a Being named Peace
slipped beside and softly spoke my name:
“Welcome home, True Self,
I’ve been waiting for you.”

—Joyce Rupp

Copyright 1996 by Joyce Rupp All rights reserved.

Physician-author Christiane Northrup tells women that midlife can be a good thing, especially for those who boost their nitric oxide and foster their sexuality.
By Kathleen Doheny
WebMD Feature Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
As an obstetrician-gynecologist, Christiane Northrup, MD, of Yarmouth, Maine, has spent years caring for women when something went wrong with their bodies.

These days, she doesn’t see patients anymore, devoting her time instead to speaking and writing. At midlife, she has a new plan and a new mission: teach women everything that can go right with their bodies when they reach midlife.

What she is proposing may seem nonsensical to some and like a breath of fresh air to others. She wants midlife women to discover the secret pleasures of menopause. She’s convinced that menopause — traditionally viewed as the signal a woman is washed up and over the hill — is overdue for a brand new spin.

“The truth is that women over 50 are just hitting their stride,” she writes in the introduction of her new book, The Secret Pleasures of Menopause, published this month.

The new book is meant to be “fluffy,” she says, much less serious than her previous books, including The Wisdom of Menopause and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.

Northrup is well aware that women going through menopause often focus on hot flashes, hormonal and mood swings, and viewing themselves as washed up.

She actually had to do a bit of talking to herself along those lines, as she admits in the book.

Slowly but surely, she came to view the transition as a good thing — to see and appreciate the secret pleasures of menopause.

Look at the benefits of menopause, she suggests. “You become far more intuitive, you are no longer satisfied with the status quo, and you find your voice in a different way,” she says.

The Nitric Oxide Connection
One of the points of Northrup’s chatty new tome is getting women to say yes to pleasure.

“You can turn yourself on,” she tells women approaching midlife. “You can rewire your brain and your body to feel more pleasure. The brain is the biggest sex organ in the body.”

Getting to all this pleasure, she says, depends on paying attention to your nitric oxide levels, which she’ll bet are probably too low.

Nitric what? Many midlife women may never have thought about — or heard about — nitric oxide.

Nitric oxide is a colorless, odorless gas that tells blood vessels to relax and to widen, in turn resulting in a lowering of blood pressure. Discoveries about nitric oxide that led to the development of the ED drug Viagra earned three scientists a Nobel Prize a decade ago.

Although it’s the stuff by which erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs work, it’s not the exclusive domain of men, Northrup says. (Indeed, one of the 1998 Nobel recipients, Ferid Murad, MD, co-wrote a book, The WellnessSolution, published in 2006, promoting a regimen of diet, exercise, vitamins, and antioxidants that works by increasing nitric oxide levels.)

Northrup says it’s time midlife women discovered the benefits of boosting nitric oxide levels as their own gateway to better sexuality and sensuality at midlife and beyond.

“Most of us don’t produce enough to keep us vibrantly healthy,” she says.

Practicing her suggestions will boost levels, she says. Simply thinking joyous thoughts can boost it, she claims. “A joyous thought would be: ‘The best times of my life are yet to come.’”

Boosting nitric oxide can also be accomplished by exercising regularly, meditating, and having sex regularly, she says.
orthrup’s Rewiring Plan
Northrup gives plenty of commonsense suggestions on how to find the secret pleasures of menopause, the kind of stuff everyone has heard before — eat a balanced diet, take supplements to get enough vitamins, find a workout you enjoy and stick with it, reduce stress.

But the new message is the importance of maintaining — even expanding — sexuality. Out goes the idea that a woman in her 50s and 60s and beyond can’t be sexy — or have plenty of sex. For the doubtful, she offers ideas on how to go from feeling frumpy to sensual first by changing your mind-set. Among the suggestions:

Buy great underwear, even if you’re without a partner. Quiet the voice that says, “But no one but me will see it.”
Redefine yourself. (If your grown-up kids balk or snicker, ignore them.) After she got divorced at midlife, she jazzed up her wardrobe with a bit of leopard print, which her youngest daughter initially balked at — a reaction Northrup ignored.
Learn to love yourself. Buy yourself flowers every week. Get a massage. Or offer to trade foot rubs or massages with your partner.
Get to know yourself up close and personal. In a section subtitled “To Know Thy Clitoris Is to Love Thy Clitoris,” Northrup talks about how to explore and find out what specific area of the clitoris is most a turn-on for you. (Hint: she says to try your 1 o’clock position, as you look down).
Rewire negative thoughts. Instead of “Ugh, my thighs are heavy,” Northrup suggests focusing on more positive facts about them, like they are soft and smooth and your partner likes to caress them.
Sex after menopause can be the best ever, Northrup insists. She offers her “7 secret keys that will open the door to wonderful sexuality and sensuality after menopause.”

Among them: she advises women to explore their own pleasure, learn to turn themselves on, release negativity, and live in a way that motivates others to be at their best and their healthiest.

Second Opinions
“The advice is good,” says Wulf Utian, MD, PhD, a consultant in women’s health for the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio and executive director of the North American Menopause Society, who tells WebMD he is not speaking on behalf of either organization, rather offering his own opinion.

But whether nitric oxide can be given all the credit, he is not so sure. “We know nitric oxide is extremely important in bodily functions,” he says. “The advice [in the book] is good, but there is nothing new about the advice. She is trying to add a scientific hook.”

“If her book is successful at getting people to develop a positive attitude and improve their quality of life, than I say more power to her,” he says. But he says research on nitric oxide has a ways to go before proving that it is as important to well being as Northrup contends.

For most women, feeling better about menopause may be enough, he says. How it happens is probably irrelevant.

I wanted to share this wonderful work from Dennis Merrit Jones — one of my favorite authors…: I couldn’t have said it better…

“Life is a blackboard upon which we consciously or unconsciously write those messages which govern us. We hold the chalk and the eraser in our hand but are ignorant of this fact. What we now experience we need not continue to experience but the hand which holds the erasure must do it’s neutralizing work.” ~ Dr. Ernest Holmes

As you enter into the New Year, I invite you to ask yourself this question: What’s new about me in 2009? If you are like many people you may look in the mirror and say there is nothing new that I can see; same old hair, same old teeth…same old body…same old aches and pains…same old relationships…same old job. Essentially, I see the same old me. I propose it doesn’t have to be that way because change is always constant–we just aren’t aware of it. Even down to the molecular level, change is continually happening. However, if the belief system that creates the template into which life’s energy flows is the “same old” mold as it was last year, life has no alternative but to give us a replay of last year. This is true at the level of the physical body as well as the body of our emotions and relationships. Life is energy seeking a place to happen. You are the conduit through which it happens. Energy is not choosing “how” it manifests in your life–you make that choice. My understanding of the aforementioned quote by Ernest Holmes is that we hold the power to change our future by understanding that while we can’t change the past, we can choose not to recreate it by dragging it into the future. Recently, I heard someone jokingly quip, “The future isn’t what it used to be.” The reality is the future will be exactly how it used to be until we learn to consciously pick up the eraser and the chalk.

We have the ability to inscribe something new on the “blackboard of life” in 2009. Metaphorically, we hold the chalk and the eraser because we have freewill and the ability to choose again. Sadly, however, most people are unaware of the amazing creative power they wield when they couple their intentional thoughts and deepest beliefs with a universal law that says, “It’s always done unto you as you believe.” This is why I don’t play the New Year resolution game because it’s dealing in willpower, which is working at the level of effect (from the outside-in) rather than cause (from the inside-out). Essentially, willpower won’t! It won’t sustain us for the long haul because it’s being held in place only by the conscious mind and that part of the mind tends to get distracted, bored, tired and restless, and then it’s off in some other direction which is generally counterproductive to our deepest desires. We have to go beyond the conscious mind and work at the level of our most deeply held beliefs about the way things “are” and the way they can be.

So, where do we start? How do we embrace what it means to be able to redesign 2009 by inscribing something new and improved on the blackboard of life”? We have to be willing to go where we have not gone before, to move beyond the old mindset. What better time that right now? While this exercise could be done on a computer, I recommend doing it with paper and pencil to provide a more visceral/tactile experience. Using a pencil with an eraser, draw a vertical line down the middle of a piece of paper. On the left side of the paper write down the experiences you have had in the past year that you would like not to recreate again in 2009. On the right side of the paper, adjacent to each of those statements, write down what you would like to see as your reality in the next twelve months. Each time you write down a new awareness in the right column, erase one in the left column you wish to release. With each erasure feel the “lightness of being” that comes with the knowing you don’t have to recreate the same experience next year. Spend as much time as possible lightly holding the new view of your life and try to embody the feelings you will have when you arrive at that vision. For now don’t concern yourself with how this will happen. Once you are clear on the what, the universe will guide you in the actions required to manifest the how. Realize that in this process you have just taken hold of the chalk and the eraser.

Happy New You!

by Richard Patterson

Midlife crisis has unfortunately become the stuff of made-for-television movies. The weekly crisis of a middle-aged man leaving his wife of twenty years for a woman half his age has become almost a cultural stereotype. Sadly, the profound quality and significance of midlife crisis becomes lost in the process such that men and women in the midst of this upheaval minimize its significance.

Midlife crisis is a fundamentally spiritual event of great power which can lead to either tremendous spiritual growth or can generate more chaos. To emerge from the dark forest of midlife crisis, we need to understand the substance of the crisis and we also need to be aware that the healthy resolution of midlife crisis brings with it a newly discovered gift.

What provokes a midlife crisis? First of all, there is age. Midlife tends to be viewed as stretching from ages 35 to 50, sometimes beyond 50, given the increasing chances of longevity. It tends also to be precipitated by loss of some sort — a health problem, a missed promotion, and especially the departure of adult children. Suddenly our life seems frighteningly devoid of meaning, empty, without direction. Everything that we felt was important seems insignificant. We believe we have missed out on something. To relieve the fear and turmoil, we begin searching for what we think is missing. It is at this point that we can get in trouble. If we fail to recognize the spiritual quality of midlife crisis, we opt for quick solutions which end up fostering even more chaos.

There are three aspects to midlife crisis, three themes around which the turmoil revolves. The first of these is vitality. By vitality, we mean energy and passion. At midlife, we notice that our bodies slow down. Perhaps we begin to deal with health problems or simply bodily changes due to aging. We also can find ourselves devoid of passion. Sexual passion may be an infrequent event. Our passionate juices simply seem to have dried up. Thus, the misguided attempt to resolve the crisis of vitality at a strictly sexual level.

The second facet of midlife crisis is intimacy. At midlife, we may have been in a relationship for some length of time. We may have experienced the dissolution of relationships. Or we may simply become aware of spending a great deal of time alone. In any case, at midlife, we tend to take stock of the quality of intimacy in our relationships. We may conclude that the relationships come up lacking. We long for a level of closeness. We long for romance. We may simply long for friendship. Thus we have the image of a man or woman of forty paging through his/her high school yearbook.

The third theme of midlife is legacy. Perhaps a parent or friend has died. Perhaps something such as the Oklahoma City bombing forces us to recognize how vulnerable we are. In any event, it finally dawns on us that we are not going to live forever. We may then find ourselves quite fearful that nothing of value will live on after us. We may take some comfort if we have children but then again if we have successfully parented we have already made peace with the fact that our children’s lives are theirs to unfold and cannot be manipulated to be a testimony to our own worth.

To work with midlife crisis in a positive manner, we must first understand it to be a search, a quest if you will, in which we are looking for new sources of vitality, intimacy, and legacy. We need to be willing to look directly at that which we have put off and be prepared for the possible need of grieving. We need to see if we have lost the capacity to dream about the future. We need to assess whether there is any element of the spiritual active in our daily lives.

In addressing issues of vitality, we need to nurture our creative side, perhaps even get to know it for the first time. We need to allow ourselves enthusiasms which may not necessarily be “productive.” We need to assess how responsible we are in maintaining a lifestyle which is kind to our bodies. And we need to assess how mechanical and habit-bound we have become as far as the sexual aspect of our lives is concerned.

In exploring the theme of intimacy, we must confront the many walls we may have built to keep others out. We need to examine the many ways we may have been taking significant others in our lives for granted. We need to reach out.

In working with the theme of legacy, we need to honestly consider that which we have put off because of assuming we have many tomorrows. We need to assess that which is going unspoken. (There is nothing worse than having someone in your life die and to realize that you never said certain things to that person, even simple things such as “I love you.”) We need to honestly evaluate whether our work is in any way satisfying.

The resolution of midlife crisis includes a gift. It may be the acquisition of a previously unknown creative ability. It may be a new friendship or a deepened marriage. It may involve a return to school to pursue a long-delayed career goal. It may be a deeply enriched relationship with the God of one’s understanding.

In his journey into the forest, Dante had the benefit of guides. We can do well to follow his example. Such guides can include a therapist, a rabbi or pastor, or simply a friend.

I have experienced two clear instances of midlife crisis. The first at age 35 resulted in sobriety. The second at age 40 resulted in publication of my first book. They were both terrifying times when I thought I was going insane. While I am grateful for the gifts, I am not anxious to reenter the forest.  

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.

From Debbie Ford’s blog  –
I woke up this morning thinking about how I was going to make today the best day of the year. Here it is — Thursday December 4th. I have a full day of opportunities and possibilities. I get to talk to people I love. I get to share in intimate moments. I get to appreciate my family, my friends, my loved ones, my son, my staff, and all of you who I get to contribute to and be with on this journey.

I started thinking that if today were going to be the best day of my year, how would I have to feel? I would have to be completely grateful for everything as it is. I’d have to give up wanting anything to change about the past or the future. I’d have to give up any wants or needs that couldn’t be satisfied today. I’d have to give up any hopes for anything to be different. I’d have to appreciate the toes on my feet that keep me upright, the parts of my body that are functioning perfectly, my ability to see, smell, and hear the voices of those I love. I’d have to have my heart wide open to the love that exists for everyone and everything. I’d have to have deep appreciation for the challenges I’ve endured, the limitations I’ve met, and the breakthroughs I’ve experienced. Most importantly, I’d have to remember that the best day of the year is made up not of one special event but of hundreds of special moments and I can choose each moment to have it be an incredible day.

So I ask you to join me today, December 4th, an ordinary day for most people. What would you have to do to find some love in your heart? Who could you think about that would bring a smile to your face? What memories could you bring into your awareness? What photos could you look at to remind you how good life can be? Who could you call to share love with? Who could you appreciate? What affirmation could you give yourself or pass on to another?

Just for the next 12 hours, make this a spectacular day by looking for what’s right, what’s working, what’s magical, what’s holy, and what’s possible!

With love and blessings,

Help make the world a better place by sharing this message of love with friends, family, loved ones by click the link below “If you wish to forward this message to a friend…” And if you’re getting this newsletter from a friend, be sure to subscribe.

http://www.debbieford.com/index.php?p=Signup&c=3

by Richard B. Patterson

Midlife crisis has unfortunately become the stuff of made-for-television movies. The weekly crisis of a middle-aged man leaving his wife of twenty years for a woman half his age has become almost a cultural stereotype. Sadly, the profound quality and significance of midlife crisis becomes lost in the process such that men and women in the midst of this upheaval minimize its significance.

Midlife crisis is a fundamentally spiritual event of great power which can lead to either tremendous spiritual growth or can generate more chaos. To emerge from the dark forest of midlife crisis, we need to understand the substance of the crisis and we also need to be aware that the healthy resolution of midlife crisis brings with it a newly discovered gift.

What provokes a midlife crisis? First of all, there is age. Midlife tends to be viewed as stretching from ages 35 to 50, sometimes beyond 50, given the increasing chances of longevity. It tends also to be precipitated by loss of some sort — a health problem, a missed promotion, and especially the departure of adult children. Suddenly our life seems frighteningly devoid of meaning, empty, without direction. Everything that we felt was important seems insignificant. We believe we have missed out on something. To relieve the fear and turmoil, we begin searching for what we think is missing. It is at this point that we can get in trouble. If we fail to recognize the spiritual quality of midlife crisis, we opt for quick solutions which end up fostering even more chaos.

There are three aspects to midlife crisis, three themes around which the turmoil revolves. The first of these is vitality. By vitality, we mean energy and passion. At midlife, we notice that our bodies slow down. Perhaps we begin to deal with health problems or simply bodily changes due to aging. We also can find ourselves devoid of passion. Sexual passion may be an infrequent event. Our passionate juices simply seem to have dried up. Thus, the misguided attempt to resolve the crisis of vitality at a strictly sexual level.

The second facet of midlife crisis is intimacy. At midlife, we may have been in a relationship for some length of time. We may have experienced the dissolution of relationships. Or we may simply become aware of spending a great deal of time alone. In any case, at midlife, we tend to take stock of the quality of intimacy in our relationships. We may conclude that the relationships come up lacking. We long for a level of closeness. We long for romance. We may simply long for friendship. Thus we have the image of a man or woman of forty paging through his/her high school yearbook.

The third theme of midlife is legacy. Perhaps a parent or friend has died. Perhaps something such as the Oklahoma City bombing forces us to recognize how vulnerable we are. In any event, it finally dawns on us that we are not going to live forever. We may then find ourselves quite fearful that nothing of value will live on after us. We may take some comfort if we have children but then again if we have successfully parented we have already made peace with the fact that our children’s lives are theirs to unfold and cannot be manipulated to be a testimony to our own worth.

To work with midlife crisis in a positive manner, we must first understand it to be a search, a quest if you will, in which we are looking for new sources of vitality, intimacy, and legacy. We need to be willing to look directly at that which we have put off and be prepared for the possible need of grieving. We need to see if we have lost the capacity to dream about the future. We need to assess whether there is any element of the spiritual active in our daily lives.

In addressing issues of vitality, we need to nurture our creative side, perhaps even get to know it for the first time. We need to allow ourselves enthusiasms which may not necessarily be “productive.” We need to assess how responsible we are in maintaining a lifestyle which is kind to our bodies. And we need to assess how mechanical and habit-bound we have become as far as the sexual aspect of our lives is concerned.

In exploring the theme of intimacy, we must confront the many walls we may have built to keep others out. We need to examine the many ways we may have been taking significant others in our lives for granted. We need to reach out.

In working with the theme of legacy, we need to honestly consider that which we have put off because of assuming we have many tomorrows. We need to assess that which is going unspoken. (There is nothing worse than having someone in your life die and to realize that you never said certain things to that person, even simple things such as “I love you.”) We need to honestly evaluate whether our work is in any way satisfying.

The resolution of midlife crisis includes a gift. It may be the acquisition of a previously unknown creative ability. It may be a new friendship or a deepened marriage. It may involve a return to school to pursue a long-delayed career goal. It may be a deeply enriched relationship with the God of one’s understanding.

In his journey into the forest, Dante had the benefit of guides. We can do well to follow his example. Such guides can include a therapist, a rabbi or pastor, or simply a friend.

I have experienced two clear instances of midlife crisis. The first at age 35 resulted in sobriety. The second at age 40 resulted in publication of my first book. They were both terrifying times when I thought I was going insane. While I am grateful for the gifts, I am not anxious to reenter the forest.

7/11/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.

From time to time, I like to share what other midlife blogs are saying… This one is something I know you’ll like…

by Ellen Besso, Personal Coach for Midlife Women

For those of us edging towards forty or fifty, our lives are often in major flux. There may be outward signs…our bodies aren’t quite the same weight or shape! Menstrual cycles change and stop. But the biggest change is within. We may feel like we’re not the woman we were…that we’re on the road to becoming someone very different. The “circuitry rewiring” that Dr. Christine Northrup speaks of changes every bodily system and organ, particularly the brain. This affects how we feel within ourselves and how we relate to others.

It can be a very confusing time. I know I certainly didn’t expect “it” to happen so soon. As the initial minor physical changes gave way to a deepening of experience I found I was affected on an emotional, mental and spiritual level as well. I really didn’t know what was going on, and even more importantly, where I was going in this rapidly accelerating process. The circuitry rewiring means that the part of our brain that mediates strong emotions is affected. This can result in an intensifying of our feelings and sometimes includes anger. It makes us more passionate about things. I feel that at this stage of our lives women do not tolerate fools as gladly as we may have once.

As our “nurturing hormones”, (as Northrup calls them) decrease, we may find we want to do more for ourselves rather than others. This could take the form of exploring new avenues, reviving old interests, meeting with friends who relate to us or simply being quietly alone with ourselves in our home or in nature. The changes within us, manifesting outwardly as different behaviours and actions, don’t always get a favourable reception from family members and others. It’s human nature to dislike change, especially when those close to us change and it impacts us. And when one family member (us) changes it has a domino effect on everyone else. This is basic ‘family systems’ theory and it can apply to friendships and work groups as well as families.

So how to find solutions that work for us amidst all this upheaval? How to balance our needs with our family, work and other commitments? This article is meant to help you find balance in your busy lives…to find room for you. By following some of the suggestions below you can re-prioritize so that you are meeting your own needs in all areas: body, mind and spirit. You, and you alone are responsible for your well-being in every aspect of your life. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else will and you will burn out physically, mentally and/or spiritually. You’ll be a very unhappy camper, and those around you will pay a price also. I’ve seem many women in this position.

Take These Steps to Re-charge Yourself:

Always put yourself first: (after the needs of young, dependent children have been met)
This will sound like heresy to many women. Women are commonly by nature and training nurturers. We stretch ourselves too thin. Many of the things we do for our families, co-workers, friends and the organizations we belong to can be done by others, however. For example, at home, kids can do their own laundry. Before committing to responsibilities in service clubs, churches or extra tasks at work, always check in with yourself. Take a deep breath, hold it then exhale a couple of times. Then ask yourself “Is this truly the way I want to spend my time?” Or is it a knee-jerk reaction from habit? Chances are at least 50% of the time your answer will be a resounding “No!”

Prioritize immediately & regularly: Make a list of everything you have to do this week; don’t leave anything out. Rate truly non-negotiable items as #1. It’s imperative that you give your personal time a #1. Think of it as the “pay yourself first” approach recommended for savings accounts. Without monitoring yourself rate the others from #2 to #10. Ruthlessly eliminate at least 25% of the highest numbered tasks.

With the remaining tasks or duties use the following 3 options:

Do them less often;
Do them for shorter periods of time; or
Don’t do them at all.
For example, even with your job, you can, if you choose, give yourself a day off occasionally, even if your not “sick to dying”, as an old friend used to say. Consider it a ‘mental health day’. Note: Always keep your options open - it’s okay to change your mind about doing something you’ve planned if it doesn’t feel right to you. This exercise is adapted from Martha Beck, PhD.

Schedule time for you daily & take yourself on a weekly date:
Create a time that’s just for you each day, even if it’s only 30 minutes. Soothe yourself with a warm candlelit bubble bath, read a favourite book, journal or contemplate. It’s crucial to have a quiet space that’s yours and yours alone. There was a woman featured on the Oprah Show who converted a walk-in closet into her sanctuary. It was complete with soft lighting and a comfortable chair, and family members understood they could not interrupt her there. Once a week take a leaf from Julia Cameron’s book and plan a 2-3 hour solo outing doing something you love to do. I guarantee that these things will make a difference in your life.

Look after yourself body, mind and spirit:
Eating can be quite simple…really. When we’re overloaded, rushed and stressed, we often make food choices that may not be the healthiest for us. Many women feel better eating lightly and frequently, including lots of fruit, vegetables and vegetarian protein as well as a little animal protein. This diet is good for kids and partners too. Spending a little time outside in nature daily, doing light exercise, reading uplifting articles or books and quietly meditating or contemplating feeds us body, mind and spirit.

Be open and transparent about your needs:
Let others know at home, at work and in your organizations that you are making changes in your life to allow time for you. Give as much or as little information as feels appropriate to the situation. Many of us were brought up in families where the ability to mind read was expected. But in truth, none of us knows anyone else’s reality. We need to tell each other what’s going on for us, not make assumptions or feel resentful. Given a little time, most people will adjust to our requests for change if they are “put in the loop”.

Carve out some relationship time each week: (for those in committed relationships)
‘Life in the fast lane’ takes a toll on relationships. Many of us do nothing but work and take care of family and at night then fall into bed exhausted. It’s hard to take time away from these important responsibilities to do something “discretionary” when we feel maxed out. It is worth it though. Even a 30 to 60 minute “coffee date” with our partner takes us away from our daily lives into a new environment, and therefore new possibilities. Try it, you’ll see!

If you have any feedback about these Tips for Recharging, or any questions, please contact me at:

info@ellenbesso.com
800 961 1364 – North America
604 886 1916 – Gibsons, BC