Inlightened Enterprises - Midlife Women Blog

Women’s Web is pleased to share with its readers books written by women, for women, and about women. Women of the Silent Generation—those born between 1925 and 1944—may not be going silently into the night. In fact, they’re still doing it, still loving it, and getting better at it.

Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women Over Sixty

Women of the Silent Generation may not be going silently into the night.

According to the NIH National Institute on Aging US age pyramid, projections are that in 2030, there will be 33.75 million women but only 29.25 million men between the age of 65 and 84. In other words, older women will continue to experience the same “partner gap” as today in finding eligible men after divorce, death of a husband, or having never been married.

Despite the imbalance, we might learn from the experiences of some women of the Silent Generation—those born between 1925 and 1944—who have decided to explore new ways of living, showing us that despite those prevailing stereotypes of the elderly with bath chairs and canes, the golden years are for many just that: golden.

Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women over Sixty (Avery, October 2008) celebrates the lives of some of the daring, outspoken and sensual women of the Silent Generation who are actively embracing new challenges, new careers, and new types of romantic relationships and sexual experiences. Based on extensive interviews and research by authors Deirdre Fishel and Diana Holtzberg, producers of the award-winning documentary film of the same name, the book explores the lives and loves of an incredible group of women in their 60s, 70s and older—women who are confident and wise and willing to take on risks—and relationships—they may never have imagined, whether with much younger men, multiple partners, or other women.

Among those we meet are

• Harret Somers Zerling, age 80, a bohemian and artist with a penchant for younger men. Though mostly straight, she was also the one-time lover of Susan Sontag.
• Lainie Cook, 66, a beauty sings the blues at Joe’s Pub in New York City.
• Elaine Isom, 81, a funny and high-spirited African-American woman and great-grandmother who still feels sexual, despite two bouts with cancer.
• Shelley Leinhardt, 66, an intensely fit and gorgeous woman who left her husband in her fifties to join the rocky world of singledom. She recently returned from doing humanitarian work in Africa.
• Marnie Hensel, 76, a champion skier into her seventies before switching gears to earn her Masters in health coaching. She’s jumped out of a plane and has 6 grandchildren and a new boyfriend 15 years her junior.

As women continue to live longer and healthier lives, their appetite for sex is slow to fade and for many, sex is an essential part of their well-being. The women in this book have raised kids, been in long-term relationships, lost spouses, been divorced, come out of the closet, and even found love in the nursing home, but they are all living life on their own terms. Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women over Sixty takes on myths and misconceptions and provides the tools and inspiration for women of all ages—partnered, single, straight or gay—to reinvent themselves, enjoy their bodies and take risks at all stages in life. Stimulating and eye-opening, this book shows that older women are still doing it, still loving it, and still getting better at it.

By Elizabeth Gilbert

Photo: Deborah Lopez
Absolute certainty is not something I strive for anymore. I’ve learned the hard way that destiny usually looks upon our most strident convictions with amusement, or perhaps even pity. (Oh, those silly humans! So desperate for their absolutes!) Sometimes it seems like the only job of the world is to gently (or not so gently) separate us from our deepest assurances, exposing us once again to that ultimate moral teaching tool: humility.

Of course, it’s not always a pleasant experience to have our certainties stripped away. Sureness is something like a neck brace, which we clamp around our lives, hoping to somehow protect ourselves from the frightening, constant whiplash of change. Sadly, the brace doesn’t always hold. I could list for you a tragicomic litany of all the things I was once mistakenly completely certain about, and I’m sure you can do the same. Maybe you, too, were once absolutely sure that you’d found your great love, or your final best friend, or the perfect mentor, meditation, or medication that would—once and for all—never fail you. And then? Slowly, it seems, we are not so sure after all. Such is our slippery toehold here on Earth, and so it has always been.

Perhaps it is for this reason that the people we instinctively turn to in times of trouble are those who—we sense—have made space within their convictions for doubt and mystery. Compassion grows best, it appears, in the soft spots beneath quiet surrender. So I try very hard to go easy on the firm conclusions. These days I settle for feeling only 85 percent sure about most things, most of the time. I believe this is keeping me sane, and I also believe that it’s keeping me human. In fact, I’m 85 percent sure of it.

Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of Eat, Pray, Love (Penguin).

Submitted by Wesley

As the stock market endures record plummets, job losses sky rocketing, housing prices free falling and the world entering into recession, spending money on others might be the furthest thing on your find. But if you can manage to do so, it might be the surest path to a much needed happiness boost. However recent Canadian-led research, published in the prestigious journal Science, says that spending your money on other people makes you happier than spending it on yourself.

Researchers have long shown that (unless people are exceptionally poor) getting more money brings surprisingly small gains in positive feelings. This has led to the hypothesis that the happiness “holdback” was not inherent in money itself but instead with what people did with their money (which not surprisingly is spend it on possessions for themselves). Specifically:

Recent surveys, the study notes, have shown people in Western societies have experienced few gains in their overall happiness level over the past several decades, despite a dramatic surge in real income.

Previous research also suggests that any money earned above the amount needed to cover basic needs generally buys little in the way of extra joy, even when it is used to purchase expensive cars and baubles.

“We suggest that how people spend their money may be at least as important as how much money they earn,” the study says.

These results are not surprising to Tal Ben-Shahar, author of the book “Happier” and teacher of the positive psychology course on happiness that is Harvard’s most popular class, who noted “There’s so much benefit to the person who contributes to others that I often think that there is no more selfish act than a generous act.”

For more on happiness read LifeTwo’s week-long series of “How to be Happier.” We also suggest regular reading of Gretchen Rubin’s “Happiness Project” blog.

1. How much baggage is he carrying?

“Baggage” is different from life history. Baggage refers to serious unresolved problems — an ex-wife he can’t get over, betrayal by a business partner that has destroyed his trust, or an untreated depression. Nothing’s carved in stone. It matters only if the man is stuck, or willing to move on. (Try referring them to coaching if stuck. Attitude can be changed, if circumstances cannot, as you know!)
2. His emotional intelligence.

My client Melinda was having trouble figuring out what was going on with the guy she was dating who was 10 years older than she was. She assumed someone older was also wiser, which is not the case. A person’s emotional age can be much younger than their chronological age. If your intuition is telling you he’s immature, he is, regardless of his chronological age. If you’re in doubt, one session with an EQ coach can give you valuable information. EQ can always be advanced, BTW.
3. What does your intuition tell you?

Are you getting messages from your intuition? You should be. It’s your most valuable guide. Intuition is an emotional intelligence competency. Everyone has it, and it can also be developed. An assessment like The EQ Map will tell you how good yours is, and EQ coaching can help you improve it. Intuition takes up where the data runs out, and we need it for the most important life decisions of the heart. (He may call it “gut feeling.”) How will know he’s the right one for you? Your intuition. Analyzing the data will notget you there.
4. How are his relationships with the rest of his family?

There are patterns in our lives that keep repeating themselves (unless there is intervention). If his children aren’t speaking to him, or if they are calling him constantly and overly dependent on him, there’s something wrong. The same things will likely occur in your relationship with him. For instance, if he tells you his daughter “defied” him and he kicked her out, what do you think lies ahead for you when you first “defy” him, I mean have a disagreement?
5. What is his relationship with his mother?

We all know to check this one, but don’t overlook it.
6. What do you know about his former wife or wives?

Men are far less likely to change of broaden their tastes than women; in fact they are known to marry the same woman over and over again. You can find out what his “type” is and then anticipate the chances he’ll marry you. You can also anticipate where the sore points may lie. Let’s say you’re dating a physician who has married two social workers, and you’re a therapist. For some reason he’s attracted to psychological-types, and for some reason it hasn’t worked out. That reason why it hasn’t worked out needs to be given a long, cold look. (Call a coach!) Unless he is willing to change his way of doing things, you and he will have the same outcome.
7. Where is he in his career?

A man who is ready to retire is often desperate for companionship. If his work has been his “life,” it’s a time of confusion and fear, and his need will border on desperation for something to cling to. It’s not that you’d mind being a “lifesaver” temporarily, it’s that he won’t know his own mind, and yet will be very convincing. If you’re getting a barrage of flowers and cards and he’s talking about Fear of Retirement, give it time and look it over carefully.
8. How long has he been single?

My long experience in dating coaching confirms that a man in transition is not a good bet. Occasionally it works out, but not often. If he is “legally separated” or newly divorced, keep your thinking cap on. Men are likely to grab the first woman who comes along (who’s willing). Their vulnerability and touching earnestness can make them deceptively attractive. You won’t know you were being used until later on. Good coaches recommend their male clients in such a state date several women so as not to “lead them on.” Lead them on to what? A man newly divorced is not ready for a new commitment. If you’re just looking for a good time, he’s your man (thought the ending will still be rough). If you want serious, and you get involved, you’re likely to get your heart broken. Check it out with your coach if you’re not sure what you’re looking at. Men are not as creative in their response to life as women, and the patterns are quite recognizable to someone with experience.
9. What are his finances?

The state of a man’s finances at mid-life can indicate patterns. For instance, if he’s not been able to commit to a career or to a marriage, divorce takes its toll, and he’s likely to be in dire straits financially. There are other reasons too, of course, such as bad luck, or being in field with natural ups and downs, like the stock market, so check it out. The money itself isn’t the issue, it’s how and why it happened. (The value of money to you is a personal decision). Decide what you want and need in this area, check out his situation, and then find out why he is where he is.
If he’s well-heeled and ready for retirement, you will have a high-level problem. Likely he is about to grab a gal and cut loose. Is this you? In other words, what you see is not what you’re going to get. If you have ties to kids in the States and he wants to go live in the mountains of Spain or spend a year at-sea on his yacht, you’d best know this as soon as possible so you can make a decision.

10. Why are YOU dating?

In listening to people, and reading the online profiles, we see different points of view. While we assume in our 20s that men and women want the same thing in marriage, interests vary widely at midlife. A man may be impotent, for instance, and just want companionship, or twice-burned and determined never to marry again which might be fine with you, except what it really means is he will never love again. (I wish these men would come for coaching!) He may have his family all gathered around him and be planning to spend his later years playing with the grandkids, or want to live in the Bahamas and travel 6 months of the year. And what do you want? The main thing to figure out is his flexiblity (an emotional intelligence competency). Some people are quite willing to change plans with time, or for a loved one. Others are not. You need to know what you’re looking at. If he’s the kind who has been in the same profession for 40 years and lived in the same house for 30, and says he will work till he dies and never move, you’d best believe it.
About the Submitter

This piece was originally submitted by Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, Founding Member of Coachville, Life & EQ Coach, who can be reached at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or visited on the web. Susan Dunn wants you to know: Offering individual coaching, business programs, seminars, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional enhancement. Top-rated coach certification program - fast, affordable, effective, no-residency Email for information and for free ezine.

Judith Sherven, PhD & James Sniechowski, PhD

When you were growing up what did you learn
about how you were supposed to think about and
treat people who were different from you and
your family? What did your family say? How
about your friends? Neighbors? What were the
messages you received either openly or by suggestion?

You may not have an answer right off, because
this is not a question that gets asked very often.
But think about it. It holds the key to better relationships
in every area of your life.

We’ve asked thousands of men and women in the
U.S. and overseas. They’ve all admitted that what they
learned, some more intensely than others, was to
distrust those who were different. So they kept up
their guard most of the time without even realizing it.

What does this have to do with you? We’ll get to that
in a minute. But, here’s another question.

When you were growing up, how were you treated
for all the ways you were different from the other
people in your family? Were you respected? Were you
teased? Were you praised? Or were you brought into
line, expected to be just like everyone else or else!?

The people we asked said that they learned to hide
what made them different. Some were ashamed of
themselves. Some were embarrassed. Some were
frightened. And what they decided about themselves
was tragic. They decided that they were somehow
flawed. It was their fault even when it came to how
they were brilliant, talented, beautiful, and all manner
of other exceptional gifts.

Think about that. What was it like for you? And here’s
why it’s important. You can’t help being who you are.
And what make you you? The ways you are unique
and, yes, different from everyone else. Now think
about being in a relationship.

You are unique. Your partner is unique. That means
you both are different from each other. Now if both
of you have buried in your unconscious minds the
belief that being different is somehow bad, even
dangerous, how do you expect your relationship can
ever be truly satisfying? It can’t be if you’re hiding
some parts of who you are and judging your partner
for who he or she is.

So what to do? First, know that you’re not alone. Even
a superficial scan of society shows that everyone’s wary
of those who are different. We’ve all learned it early
in life, just like you did.

Next, you have to want to believe that being different
is okay. And why not? Differences are inescapable.
Rejecting differences is like rejecting air. They’re
everywhere, and necessary for life.

And now, about love. What is love if it isn’t accepting
of all that you are? If you have to go through your
relationship fearing and hiding parts of who you are,
you’ll have to walk on eggs, and that’s very tiring.
It will also be the ruin of your relationship. If you’re
married and have children, that will set a foundation
for them to be wary of themselves and eventually not
be able to feel loved.

Remember, love loves all of you. And love will work
its way into your soul shining its light on even those
parts you’ve kept covered up. That’s also inevitable.
The only way that won’t happen is if you settle for
false love, the pretense of being emotionally intimate
with someone.

Take the time to remember what you learned about
differences. Those lessons that bring you joy and
pleasure, keep them. Those that don’t, that cause you
to disguise who you are and judge others, they’re not
doing you any good. Decide to change your mind.
That means decide to grow up and see the world from
your own particular perspective.

When you do you will free yourself, you will free
those you would have judged, and you will open
yourself to a love that you cannot now even imagine.

Can you have it? Of course. The chance is yours.
All you have to do is say “Yes.”
****
If love is still confusing, we created this
simple yet inspiring program just for you. Go to:
http://www.judithandjim.com/whatislove