In-lightened Enterprises - Midlife Blog

Midlife is more than a crisis. It is a summons to grow and a challenge to change. Midlife beckons one inward. It is a move to interiority, a passage to the deeper places where we discover our authenticity, where we realize both our limitations and our grandeur. It is here that we come home to our truest Self. We take our external experiences with us to the inside and look at our life. We evaluate our goals, hopes, dreams, beliefs, behaviors, experiences - all that has marked us and contributed to the person we have become - and we ask ourselves: “Is this the person I want to be in the future?”

Preface

the persistent voice of midlife
wooed and wailed, wept and whined,
nagged like an endless toothache,
seduced like an insistent lover,
promised a guide to protect me
as I turned intently toward my soul.

as I stood at the door of “Go Deeper”
I heard the ego’s howl of resistance,
felt the shivers of my false security
but knew there could be no other way.
inward I traveled, down, down,
drawn further into the truth
than I ever intended to go.

as I moved far and deep and long
eerie things long lain hidden
jeered at me with shadowy voices,
while love I’d never envisioned
wrapped compassionate ribbons
’round my fearful, anxious heart.

further in I sank, to the depths,
past all my arrogance and confusion,
through all my questions and doubts,
beyond all I held to be fact.

finally I stood before a new door:
the Hall of Oneness and Freedom.
uncertain and wary, I slowly opened,
discovering a space of welcoming light.

I entered the sacred inner room
where everything sings of Mystery.
no longer could I deny or resist
the decay of clenching control
and the silent gasps of surrender.

there in that sacred place of my Self
Love of a lasting kind came forth,
embracing me like a long beloved one
come home for the first time.

much that I thought to be “me”
crept to the corners and died.
in its place a Being named Peace
slipped beside and softly spoke my name:
“Welcome home, True Self,
I’ve been waiting for you.”

—Joyce Rupp

Copyright 1996 by Joyce Rupp All rights reserved.

by Richard Patterson

Midlife crisis has unfortunately become the stuff of made-for-television movies. The weekly crisis of a middle-aged man leaving his wife of twenty years for a woman half his age has become almost a cultural stereotype. Sadly, the profound quality and significance of midlife crisis becomes lost in the process such that men and women in the midst of this upheaval minimize its significance.

Midlife crisis is a fundamentally spiritual event of great power which can lead to either tremendous spiritual growth or can generate more chaos. To emerge from the dark forest of midlife crisis, we need to understand the substance of the crisis and we also need to be aware that the healthy resolution of midlife crisis brings with it a newly discovered gift.

What provokes a midlife crisis? First of all, there is age. Midlife tends to be viewed as stretching from ages 35 to 50, sometimes beyond 50, given the increasing chances of longevity. It tends also to be precipitated by loss of some sort — a health problem, a missed promotion, and especially the departure of adult children. Suddenly our life seems frighteningly devoid of meaning, empty, without direction. Everything that we felt was important seems insignificant. We believe we have missed out on something. To relieve the fear and turmoil, we begin searching for what we think is missing. It is at this point that we can get in trouble. If we fail to recognize the spiritual quality of midlife crisis, we opt for quick solutions which end up fostering even more chaos.

There are three aspects to midlife crisis, three themes around which the turmoil revolves. The first of these is vitality. By vitality, we mean energy and passion. At midlife, we notice that our bodies slow down. Perhaps we begin to deal with health problems or simply bodily changes due to aging. We also can find ourselves devoid of passion. Sexual passion may be an infrequent event. Our passionate juices simply seem to have dried up. Thus, the misguided attempt to resolve the crisis of vitality at a strictly sexual level.

The second facet of midlife crisis is intimacy. At midlife, we may have been in a relationship for some length of time. We may have experienced the dissolution of relationships. Or we may simply become aware of spending a great deal of time alone. In any case, at midlife, we tend to take stock of the quality of intimacy in our relationships. We may conclude that the relationships come up lacking. We long for a level of closeness. We long for romance. We may simply long for friendship. Thus we have the image of a man or woman of forty paging through his/her high school yearbook.

The third theme of midlife is legacy. Perhaps a parent or friend has died. Perhaps something such as the Oklahoma City bombing forces us to recognize how vulnerable we are. In any event, it finally dawns on us that we are not going to live forever. We may then find ourselves quite fearful that nothing of value will live on after us. We may take some comfort if we have children but then again if we have successfully parented we have already made peace with the fact that our children’s lives are theirs to unfold and cannot be manipulated to be a testimony to our own worth.

To work with midlife crisis in a positive manner, we must first understand it to be a search, a quest if you will, in which we are looking for new sources of vitality, intimacy, and legacy. We need to be willing to look directly at that which we have put off and be prepared for the possible need of grieving. We need to see if we have lost the capacity to dream about the future. We need to assess whether there is any element of the spiritual active in our daily lives.

In addressing issues of vitality, we need to nurture our creative side, perhaps even get to know it for the first time. We need to allow ourselves enthusiasms which may not necessarily be “productive.” We need to assess how responsible we are in maintaining a lifestyle which is kind to our bodies. And we need to assess how mechanical and habit-bound we have become as far as the sexual aspect of our lives is concerned.

In exploring the theme of intimacy, we must confront the many walls we may have built to keep others out. We need to examine the many ways we may have been taking significant others in our lives for granted. We need to reach out.

In working with the theme of legacy, we need to honestly consider that which we have put off because of assuming we have many tomorrows. We need to assess that which is going unspoken. (There is nothing worse than having someone in your life die and to realize that you never said certain things to that person, even simple things such as “I love you.”) We need to honestly evaluate whether our work is in any way satisfying.

The resolution of midlife crisis includes a gift. It may be the acquisition of a previously unknown creative ability. It may be a new friendship or a deepened marriage. It may involve a return to school to pursue a long-delayed career goal. It may be a deeply enriched relationship with the God of one’s understanding.

In his journey into the forest, Dante had the benefit of guides. We can do well to follow his example. Such guides can include a therapist, a rabbi or pastor, or simply a friend.

I have experienced two clear instances of midlife crisis. The first at age 35 resulted in sobriety. The second at age 40 resulted in publication of my first book. They were both terrifying times when I thought I was going insane. While I am grateful for the gifts, I am not anxious to reenter the forest.  

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.

From Debbie Ford’s blog  –
I woke up this morning thinking about how I was going to make today the best day of the year. Here it is — Thursday December 4th. I have a full day of opportunities and possibilities. I get to talk to people I love. I get to share in intimate moments. I get to appreciate my family, my friends, my loved ones, my son, my staff, and all of you who I get to contribute to and be with on this journey.

I started thinking that if today were going to be the best day of my year, how would I have to feel? I would have to be completely grateful for everything as it is. I’d have to give up wanting anything to change about the past or the future. I’d have to give up any wants or needs that couldn’t be satisfied today. I’d have to give up any hopes for anything to be different. I’d have to appreciate the toes on my feet that keep me upright, the parts of my body that are functioning perfectly, my ability to see, smell, and hear the voices of those I love. I’d have to have my heart wide open to the love that exists for everyone and everything. I’d have to have deep appreciation for the challenges I’ve endured, the limitations I’ve met, and the breakthroughs I’ve experienced. Most importantly, I’d have to remember that the best day of the year is made up not of one special event but of hundreds of special moments and I can choose each moment to have it be an incredible day.

So I ask you to join me today, December 4th, an ordinary day for most people. What would you have to do to find some love in your heart? Who could you think about that would bring a smile to your face? What memories could you bring into your awareness? What photos could you look at to remind you how good life can be? Who could you call to share love with? Who could you appreciate? What affirmation could you give yourself or pass on to another?

Just for the next 12 hours, make this a spectacular day by looking for what’s right, what’s working, what’s magical, what’s holy, and what’s possible!

With love and blessings,

Help make the world a better place by sharing this message of love with friends, family, loved ones by click the link below “If you wish to forward this message to a friend…” And if you’re getting this newsletter from a friend, be sure to subscribe.

http://www.debbieford.com/index.php?p=Signup&c=3

The looming reality of senior citizen status scares a lot of boomers. No need. Laura Carstensen, a top expert on aging, says life gets only richer with time.

Interview by Patricia B. Gray, Money Magazine contributing writer

(Money Magazine) — At 21, Laura Carstensen had an epiphany that could change your life. In a hospital for months after a car accident, she had a window on the world of elderly patients who, like her, were recovering from broken bones. Intrigued, she decided to study the psychology of aging.

Today, at 54, Carstensen is the founding director of the Stanford Center on Longevity. Funded with a $10 million gift from Texas billionaire Richard Rainwater, the center sponsors research by scientists and other professionals aimed at improving the lives of older people.

Carstensen herself is among the most respected and provocative scholars in her field. She’s best known for research that debunked stereotypes of the old as slow and surly. We may lose a step on the tennis court and our memories aren’t as sharp, but as she tells contributing editor Patricia Gray, we get happier as we get older.

Question: Isn’t aging well just a matter of good genes and good luck?

A. You have more control than you think. Wealth and education are powerful predictors of quality of life in old age, and education may be the most important factor: Most college-educated individuals show almost no decline in functioning until their mid-eighties. They drive, dance, play sports. On the other hand, people with less than a high school diploma show a steady decline between 30 and 80.

Question: What can we do to better our odds of a happy old age?

A. Challenge yourself to learn new things. Learn a language. Take up the violin. Crossword puzzles and computer games aren’t going to do the trick. You’re retrieving information you’ve got in memory. Learning, though, seems to change the brain - it seems to improve resiliency.

Question: How important is physical fitness?

A. Obesity and inactivity will kill you. Aim for 30 minutes of exercise a day, but even just 10 minutes will help. Our bodies will benefit from any exercise at any age. Even frail, bedridden 80-year-olds benefit from regular programs of light weight lifting. After exercising they had fewer complaints of pain or discomfort.

Question: We boomers worry about financial security in old age. Many of us don’t feel that we’ve saved enough.

A. Nearly a third of people over 50 have retirement savings of less than $25,000. Why don’t we save? Uncertainty. We’re the first generation that can reasonably expect to live into our nineties, so we don’t know how to plan for it. My advice: Set a savings goal that sounds reasonable to you. Then get your employer to take the money out of your paycheck. Make saving automatic.

Question: Still, starting late means a small nest egg at 65.

A. We’ve got to rethink retirement. Unless you have health issues, there aren’t a lot of good reasons to quit working at 65. Work gives structure and meaning to life, though you may not want to work the same long hours as when you were young.

Catholic nuns live, on average, six years longer than the typical American woman. Nuns never retire. I once visited a convent in Milwaukee. These women were sassy and funny and smart. Even on their deathbeds they felt they had a purpose. They believed they were offering their suffering to God. Now that’s a rich life.

Question: Your research suggests that we get happier as we age. What about the proverbial grumpy old man?

A. That’s a stereotype. Old people are less likely to be lonely or depressed than younger people, even college students.

Question: Old age is sounding better all the time. Is there a downside to all this joy?

A. Unfortunately, yes. Older people are more likely to focus on the positive when making decisions. That can be dangerous, especially when it comes to finances. So be aware of this tendency and build in checks and balances. Make a list of the reasons you don’t need this item or this investment. Take more time to make important decisions. Consult someone you trust.

Question: So it’s important to maintain that circle of trust?

A. Social isolation is as big a risk factor for ill health as smoking. Maintain strong relationships with the people who matter in your life. That’s true wealth.

From time to time, I like to share what other midlife blogs are saying… This one is something I know you’ll like…

by Ellen Besso, Personal Coach for Midlife Women

For those of us edging towards forty or fifty, our lives are often in major flux. There may be outward signs…our bodies aren’t quite the same weight or shape! Menstrual cycles change and stop. But the biggest change is within. We may feel like we’re not the woman we were…that we’re on the road to becoming someone very different. The “circuitry rewiring” that Dr. Christine Northrup speaks of changes every bodily system and organ, particularly the brain. This affects how we feel within ourselves and how we relate to others.

It can be a very confusing time. I know I certainly didn’t expect “it” to happen so soon. As the initial minor physical changes gave way to a deepening of experience I found I was affected on an emotional, mental and spiritual level as well. I really didn’t know what was going on, and even more importantly, where I was going in this rapidly accelerating process. The circuitry rewiring means that the part of our brain that mediates strong emotions is affected. This can result in an intensifying of our feelings and sometimes includes anger. It makes us more passionate about things. I feel that at this stage of our lives women do not tolerate fools as gladly as we may have once.

As our “nurturing hormones”, (as Northrup calls them) decrease, we may find we want to do more for ourselves rather than others. This could take the form of exploring new avenues, reviving old interests, meeting with friends who relate to us or simply being quietly alone with ourselves in our home or in nature. The changes within us, manifesting outwardly as different behaviours and actions, don’t always get a favourable reception from family members and others. It’s human nature to dislike change, especially when those close to us change and it impacts us. And when one family member (us) changes it has a domino effect on everyone else. This is basic ‘family systems’ theory and it can apply to friendships and work groups as well as families.

So how to find solutions that work for us amidst all this upheaval? How to balance our needs with our family, work and other commitments? This article is meant to help you find balance in your busy lives…to find room for you. By following some of the suggestions below you can re-prioritize so that you are meeting your own needs in all areas: body, mind and spirit. You, and you alone are responsible for your well-being in every aspect of your life. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else will and you will burn out physically, mentally and/or spiritually. You’ll be a very unhappy camper, and those around you will pay a price also. I’ve seem many women in this position.

Take These Steps to Re-charge Yourself:

Always put yourself first: (after the needs of young, dependent children have been met)
This will sound like heresy to many women. Women are commonly by nature and training nurturers. We stretch ourselves too thin. Many of the things we do for our families, co-workers, friends and the organizations we belong to can be done by others, however. For example, at home, kids can do their own laundry. Before committing to responsibilities in service clubs, churches or extra tasks at work, always check in with yourself. Take a deep breath, hold it then exhale a couple of times. Then ask yourself “Is this truly the way I want to spend my time?” Or is it a knee-jerk reaction from habit? Chances are at least 50% of the time your answer will be a resounding “No!”

Prioritize immediately & regularly: Make a list of everything you have to do this week; don’t leave anything out. Rate truly non-negotiable items as #1. It’s imperative that you give your personal time a #1. Think of it as the “pay yourself first” approach recommended for savings accounts. Without monitoring yourself rate the others from #2 to #10. Ruthlessly eliminate at least 25% of the highest numbered tasks.

With the remaining tasks or duties use the following 3 options:

Do them less often;
Do them for shorter periods of time; or
Don’t do them at all.
For example, even with your job, you can, if you choose, give yourself a day off occasionally, even if your not “sick to dying”, as an old friend used to say. Consider it a ‘mental health day’. Note: Always keep your options open - it’s okay to change your mind about doing something you’ve planned if it doesn’t feel right to you. This exercise is adapted from Martha Beck, PhD.

Schedule time for you daily & take yourself on a weekly date:
Create a time that’s just for you each day, even if it’s only 30 minutes. Soothe yourself with a warm candlelit bubble bath, read a favourite book, journal or contemplate. It’s crucial to have a quiet space that’s yours and yours alone. There was a woman featured on the Oprah Show who converted a walk-in closet into her sanctuary. It was complete with soft lighting and a comfortable chair, and family members understood they could not interrupt her there. Once a week take a leaf from Julia Cameron’s book and plan a 2-3 hour solo outing doing something you love to do. I guarantee that these things will make a difference in your life.

Look after yourself body, mind and spirit:
Eating can be quite simple…really. When we’re overloaded, rushed and stressed, we often make food choices that may not be the healthiest for us. Many women feel better eating lightly and frequently, including lots of fruit, vegetables and vegetarian protein as well as a little animal protein. This diet is good for kids and partners too. Spending a little time outside in nature daily, doing light exercise, reading uplifting articles or books and quietly meditating or contemplating feeds us body, mind and spirit.

Be open and transparent about your needs:
Let others know at home, at work and in your organizations that you are making changes in your life to allow time for you. Give as much or as little information as feels appropriate to the situation. Many of us were brought up in families where the ability to mind read was expected. But in truth, none of us knows anyone else’s reality. We need to tell each other what’s going on for us, not make assumptions or feel resentful. Given a little time, most people will adjust to our requests for change if they are “put in the loop”.

Carve out some relationship time each week: (for those in committed relationships)
‘Life in the fast lane’ takes a toll on relationships. Many of us do nothing but work and take care of family and at night then fall into bed exhausted. It’s hard to take time away from these important responsibilities to do something “discretionary” when we feel maxed out. It is worth it though. Even a 30 to 60 minute “coffee date” with our partner takes us away from our daily lives into a new environment, and therefore new possibilities. Try it, you’ll see!

If you have any feedback about these Tips for Recharging, or any questions, please contact me at:

info@ellenbesso.com
800 961 1364 – North America
604 886 1916 – Gibsons, BC

A good friend sent this — I don’t know the author - but, it’s worth passing on,,

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I
was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old! Upon seeing my
reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an
interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let him know.

Growing Older, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have
always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body …
the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the cellulite. And often I am taken back
by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don’t agonize over those
things for long.

*I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my
loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve
become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own
friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making
my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks
so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant,
to smell the flowers. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too
soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer
until 4 a.m. and then sleep until –I will dance with myself to those
wonderful tunes of the 50’s & 60’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep
over a lost love … I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a
bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,
despite the pitying glances from the bikini set, who too, will get old
(If they’re lucky)!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is
just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart
not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a
beloved pet dies? But broken hearts are what give us strength,
understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and
sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray,
and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my
face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair
could turn silver. I can say “no,” and mean it. I can say “yes.” and mean it

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about
what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned
the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free.
I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I
am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or
worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day… (if
I want).
Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
Love simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

LIVE WELL - LAUGH OFTEN - LOVE MUCH!

One day my father, as a young man, came home from work to find the apartment cleaned out of furniture and swept clean. His wife (not my mother) was gone. Needless to say, reconciliation wasn’t an option. I also know of a woman who was so alienated from her husband that, from time to time, he’d come down to breakfast and find a note on the kitchen table saying, “Gone.” She’d reappear after a week or so traveling or visiting family. Seldom do you hear of men doing the ‘cut and run’ routine. As a matter of fact, the more frequent story tells the story of men who who have become obsessed with the object of their affections.