Inlightened Enterprises - Midlife Women Blog

Yesterday, I had the privilege of doing the first interview for my upcoming book, Midlife Mentors.  The woman’s name is Jean Tharpe and she is 92 years young.  What a joy…

If you know of anyone over 70 that you believe would make a good mentor for midlife woman, please let me know… midlifementor@gmail.com

Also, if you have any questions you would like to see me ask, I’d appreciate it greatly.

Thanks

Dr. Toni

The Midlife Mentor

By Lyndsay Swinton

It’s never too late for a midlife career change. Before he taught himself how to paint, *Vincent Van Gogh was an art dealer, schoolmaster, student priest, and missionary. Indeed, he was well into his thirties before his artistic talents were recognised. Not too shoddy for a midlife career change!

Whether you want to return to work, get your dream job, achieve a better work-life balance or simply need the challenge, this 7 step career decision making advice will help you think through your midlife career change.
Let’s get started…
1. What skills and experience do you possess?
List exactly your skills and experience, focussing on what you can do, not on what you can’t. These are commonly called “transferable skills” because no matter what line of work you’re in, they are useful.

You’ve probably got unique talents or knowledge – go ahead and list that too. These may end up differentiating you from the rest, and land your dream job. (If you have problems identifying these, ask a friend, or consider some email coaching.)
Okay, so there may be some gaps between you and your dream job, but if you could do it all already, why bother with a midlife career change? It’s highly likely you can close those gaps without going back to school full-time.

Sound unlikely? Well, have you heard of secondments, job shadowing, or learning on the job? And what about taking a sabbatical to work in the voluntary sector to test things out? All of these enable a mid life career change without going back to school.

(If you would like more help closing skills gaps, take a look at my free personal development plan guide.)
2. What field would you like to work in?
So now we know what you can do. Maybe you want to stay doing what you do, but in a different field? My uncle moved from a high flying banking job to become a financial director of a large theatre, fulfilling his love of the arts whilst still getting his “fix” of numbers.
Science, medicine, government, working from home, military…. There are so many choices it can be overwhelming. Luckily the next step will help narrow it down.
3. What lifestyle do you want?
Your lifestyle aspirations change as your circumstances change. What suited you as a footloose fancy-free twenty something may no longer hold water as a thirty something with 2.4 children, dog and pet rabbit. What is your ideal day? Who do you see? What kind of people are around you?
4. Where do you want to live?
Choosing to live in a remote community may be tough going if you have super niche skills. Maybe you can market those skills online – just check out if you can get broadband before you move :>)
Travelling is another consideration, be it the daily commute or international globe-trotting. Does this figure in your dream job? If so, you need to consider the dull reality of trains, planes and automobiles.
5. What salary fits your lifestyle?
Let’s talk money. How much money do you need to live your life - now and when you retire? It’s a sorry truth that most of us have to work to get bread on the table.

Don’t let dollar signs cloud your vision of your dream job though. My sister-in-law took a massive pay cut to move from corporate life to the public sector but one year later is earning more than her corporate salary.
6. What career progression exists?
Are you painting yourself into a corner career-wise? Does your dream job have a finite life span or are there opportunities to grow and develop? Lack of career progression may be why you are looking to change careers now! I certainly moved from one job as the glass ceiling was firmly fixed above my head.
7. How will you progress this?
Right, here’s the really difficult bit. I never said it was going to be easy ;>) In fact, I’ll spill the beans now. Making a midlife career change can be slow, hard work, and requires you to do some tough thinking. But consider the alternative – wasting your life in a dead end job, unfulfilled and embarrassed about how your obituary will read. (Besides, if you make the right decision, your enthusiasm will carry you through the trickier bits).
So come on, how will you progress this?
I’m not going to let you off the hook here! How are you going to land that dream job? Who do you need to speak to? What research needs done? Who can help? Just like fishing, you can only catch a fish when you have a line in the water. Your dream job is out there waiting to be caught.
Giving midlife career change advice is easy - it’s up to you to make it happen. But whenever you find the going getting tough, remember Van Gogh! Pull together an action plan and do it, no excuses.

By Lyndsay Swinton
Owner, Management for the Rest of Us
www.mftrou.com

There’s excellent news for america’s largest generation! Just as tens of millions of Baby Boomers move into their golden years, new research reveals that our latest years may be our happiest. Could it be that youth really is wasted on the young? Young people usually enjoy high energy, peak physical condition, and that shiny optimism of starting fresh in life. But are they as happy as their parents and grandparents? A study from the University of Chicago shows that people are feeling happier and happier as they age.
Since 1972, researchers have been asking a cross section of Americans the same question: “…How would you say things are these days—would you say that you are very happy, pretty happy, or not too happy?” Results show that feelings of happiness increase over time. The percentage of people who reported being “very happy” grew along with their advancing age. The University of Chicago survey is one of the most comprehensive studies of happiness ever done in America, and the findings should contribute even more to our happiness quotient. Looking forward to more contentment, satisfaction, and joy can really lighten our steps into the future!
“I’m a living example of this principle,” says Dr. Northrup. “My life has grown more fulfilling, more exciting, more rewarding year by year. As we age, we can continue to learn and grow and find ways to make a difference in the world that offer a very deep foundation for happiness.” Each stage of life has its own blessings, and though we may lose a little speed with the passage of time, we pick up life skills, understanding, and knowledge that give us more compassion for others and ourselves. Says Dr. Northrup, “We learn to forgive and accept ourselves for the magnificent beings we are. The pleasure we can experience once we allow it is truly incredible!”
University of Chicago sociology professor Yang Yang calls this the “age as maturity hypothesis”—happiness grows as people mature and make positive gains in self-integration and self-esteem. With the gifts of maturity can come a better sense of overall well-being. Growing older can actually make us feel better! We are learning to look at life and ourselves with a new perspective and a new appreciation.
Dr. Northrup recommends stepping into the future with an open mind and an open heart. While it’s true that life brings changes as we age, how we think about those changes can make all the difference. If we love and appreciate ourselves, we can learn to enjoy and appreciate every stage of our lives. Here are a few of Dr. Northrup’s guidelines for meeting change with joy and hope:
Embrace the Wisdom of Routine. When life hands you circumstances you can’t control, respond with things you can. Either start or continue at least one activity that is scheduled regularly. A regular routine is healing, calming, and reassuring. For Dr. Northrup, a daily exercise routine and twice-weekly Pilates classes have helped her stay grounded during difficult times.
Enhance Your Daily Life. Find ways to bring comfort and beauty into your world. Making a fire in the fireplace, lighting candles on the dinner table, placing flowers beside your bed, listening to your favorite music are all ways to care for yourself. Treating yourself gently and kindly helps keep loneliness and discouragement away—self-care and self-love are always healing.
Know That the Fear of Loss Is Often Worse Than the Loss Itself. The passage of time will bring change and loss into every life. Experiences we share are easier to bear, and Dr. Northrup has found that the changes she feared often turned out to be blessings in disguise. When her daughters left home to begin their adult lives, she discovered how much she could enjoy having only herself to take care of—more freedom to explore and discover her own needs and desires.
Remember That We’re Stronger and More Resilient Than We Think. Facing a divorce and an empty nest in the same year was a difficult challenge, but Dr. Northrup now calls the experience “one of the most strengthening and exhilarating of my entire life.” “Looking back, I marvel at how far I’ve come,” she says. “By trusting in the Universe and being willing to roll up my sleeves and rebuild my life, I’ve become infused with the energy of hope, joy, and new beginnings.” Not only can we gain strength from helping ourselves, we can connect with others and share our strength. “Every day I’m reminded that the energy that supports new life abounds.”
Join Dr. Northrup in celebrating new life each day. Getting older is getting better—wiser, happier, and more loving, too!

1. How much baggage is he carrying?

“Baggage” is different from life history. Baggage refers to serious unresolved problems — an ex-wife he can’t get over, betrayal by a business partner that has destroyed his trust, or an untreated depression. Nothing’s carved in stone. It matters only if the man is stuck, or willing to move on. (Try referring them to coaching if stuck. Attitude can be changed, if circumstances cannot, as you know!)
2. His emotional intelligence.

My client Melinda was having trouble figuring out what was going on with the guy she was dating who was 10 years older than she was. She assumed someone older was also wiser, which is not the case. A person’s emotional age can be much younger than their chronological age. If your intuition is telling you he’s immature, he is, regardless of his chronological age. If you’re in doubt, one session with an EQ coach can give you valuable information. EQ can always be advanced, BTW.
3. What does your intuition tell you?

Are you getting messages from your intuition? You should be. It’s your most valuable guide. Intuition is an emotional intelligence competency. Everyone has it, and it can also be developed. An assessment like The EQ Map will tell you how good yours is, and EQ coaching can help you improve it. Intuition takes up where the data runs out, and we need it for the most important life decisions of the heart. (He may call it “gut feeling.”) How will know he’s the right one for you? Your intuition. Analyzing the data will notget you there.
4. How are his relationships with the rest of his family?

There are patterns in our lives that keep repeating themselves (unless there is intervention). If his children aren’t speaking to him, or if they are calling him constantly and overly dependent on him, there’s something wrong. The same things will likely occur in your relationship with him. For instance, if he tells you his daughter “defied” him and he kicked her out, what do you think lies ahead for you when you first “defy” him, I mean have a disagreement?
5. What is his relationship with his mother?

We all know to check this one, but don’t overlook it.
6. What do you know about his former wife or wives?

Men are far less likely to change of broaden their tastes than women; in fact they are known to marry the same woman over and over again. You can find out what his “type” is and then anticipate the chances he’ll marry you. You can also anticipate where the sore points may lie. Let’s say you’re dating a physician who has married two social workers, and you’re a therapist. For some reason he’s attracted to psychological-types, and for some reason it hasn’t worked out. That reason why it hasn’t worked out needs to be given a long, cold look. (Call a coach!) Unless he is willing to change his way of doing things, you and he will have the same outcome.
7. Where is he in his career?

A man who is ready to retire is often desperate for companionship. If his work has been his “life,” it’s a time of confusion and fear, and his need will border on desperation for something to cling to. It’s not that you’d mind being a “lifesaver” temporarily, it’s that he won’t know his own mind, and yet will be very convincing. If you’re getting a barrage of flowers and cards and he’s talking about Fear of Retirement, give it time and look it over carefully.
8. How long has he been single?

My long experience in dating coaching confirms that a man in transition is not a good bet. Occasionally it works out, but not often. If he is “legally separated” or newly divorced, keep your thinking cap on. Men are likely to grab the first woman who comes along (who’s willing). Their vulnerability and touching earnestness can make them deceptively attractive. You won’t know you were being used until later on. Good coaches recommend their male clients in such a state date several women so as not to “lead them on.” Lead them on to what? A man newly divorced is not ready for a new commitment. If you’re just looking for a good time, he’s your man (thought the ending will still be rough). If you want serious, and you get involved, you’re likely to get your heart broken. Check it out with your coach if you’re not sure what you’re looking at. Men are not as creative in their response to life as women, and the patterns are quite recognizable to someone with experience.
9. What are his finances?

The state of a man’s finances at mid-life can indicate patterns. For instance, if he’s not been able to commit to a career or to a marriage, divorce takes its toll, and he’s likely to be in dire straits financially. There are other reasons too, of course, such as bad luck, or being in field with natural ups and downs, like the stock market, so check it out. The money itself isn’t the issue, it’s how and why it happened. (The value of money to you is a personal decision). Decide what you want and need in this area, check out his situation, and then find out why he is where he is.
If he’s well-heeled and ready for retirement, you will have a high-level problem. Likely he is about to grab a gal and cut loose. Is this you? In other words, what you see is not what you’re going to get. If you have ties to kids in the States and he wants to go live in the mountains of Spain or spend a year at-sea on his yacht, you’d best know this as soon as possible so you can make a decision.

10. Why are YOU dating?

In listening to people, and reading the online profiles, we see different points of view. While we assume in our 20s that men and women want the same thing in marriage, interests vary widely at midlife. A man may be impotent, for instance, and just want companionship, or twice-burned and determined never to marry again which might be fine with you, except what it really means is he will never love again. (I wish these men would come for coaching!) He may have his family all gathered around him and be planning to spend his later years playing with the grandkids, or want to live in the Bahamas and travel 6 months of the year. And what do you want? The main thing to figure out is his flexiblity (an emotional intelligence competency). Some people are quite willing to change plans with time, or for a loved one. Others are not. You need to know what you’re looking at. If he’s the kind who has been in the same profession for 40 years and lived in the same house for 30, and says he will work till he dies and never move, you’d best believe it.
About the Submitter

This piece was originally submitted by Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, Founding Member of Coachville, Life & EQ Coach, who can be reached at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or visited on the web. Susan Dunn wants you to know: Offering individual coaching, business programs, seminars, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional enhancement. Top-rated coach certification program - fast, affordable, effective, no-residency Email for information and for free ezine.

November 4, 2008

Tonight’s historic win by Barack Obama and Joe Biden is truly a victory for women and girls in the United States and around the world. After eight years of the Bush administration slashing away at women’s and civil rights, shredding social services, and favoring ideology over science, women voters cleaned house today.

We believe Obama-Biden will be the most feminist, progressive administration ever to lead this country, and we are ready to work hard to help bring about policies that will increase equality and opportunity for all.

This year we witnessed several potential firsts in the race for the White House, and as an organization committed to ending racism and promoting diversity, NOW is proud to celebrate the election of Senator Barack Obama, the first African-American U.S. president. This achievement marks the beginning of a new chapter in our nation’s history - a chapter that NOW is eager to help write, a chapter that will move us forward as women and as a people.

What do feminists expect from this next administration? For starters, we want women to have the opportunity to succeed in the workplace, and to be rewarded fairly for their labor. The economic downturn has had a disproportionate impact on women, who are paid less than men and occupy the vast majority of low-paying jobs. As a result, women have less savings and little cushion to carry them through a financial crisis. We will work with President Obama to close the gender wage gap, increase the minimum wage, and pass legislation that will help women better balance family and work, including expanded paid sick days and family and medical leave.

Another key component in women’s ability to thrive in our society is access to health care, including the full range of reproductive health services and contraception (not just Viagra!). NOW will closely follow the implementation of President Obama’s health care plan, and advocate for the full coverage of women’s health needs, just as men’s health concerns have always been covered. Recent news reports highlight the fact that women pay more for health care, and we expect this blatant discrimination to end during the next administration.

On the issue of reproductive rights, there are many ways an Obama administration can help pull women back from the brink. We believe President Obama will immediately reverse the Global Gag Rule, as President Bill Clinton did; restore and increase international family planning funds; and halt the taxpayer giveaway to ineffective, dangerous abstinence-only sex education. As for the Supreme Court, the Roe v. Wade decision hangs in the balance after Bush’s two ultra-conservative additions to the Supreme Court, and we know President Obama will appoint judges and justices who recognize and respect women’s rights.

The Iraq war is a key issue for women because of the pain and suffering visited upon families both domestically and abroad, as well as the enormous financial cost — billions that could be helping to save lives and improve communities, not destroy them. For those reasons, we look forward to President Obama quickly honoring his campaign promise to end the war in Iraq and begin bringing our troops home.

On so many issues, an Obama-Biden administration can lead our country in a positive, transformative direction — from advocating for a constitutional guarantee of gender equality, to supporting same-sex civil unions and parenting rights. NOW also will urge the new administration to take the lead on ending violence against women and girls here and around the globe and to push forward on the ratification of CEDAW, the United Nations treaty to end sex discrimination.

Hope and change have been the hallmarks of the Obama campaign-the guiding force that led to an indisputable victory. The change that feminists hope to see includes equality and justice for all.

###

For Immediate Release
Contact: Mai Shiozaki, 202-628-8669, ext. 116; cell 202-641-1906

How many times have you heard yourself or your friends say, “I’m losing it”. EEKS… What are we doing to ourselves? Our words create our reality and if you are referring to forgetting things as you get older, I’d like to encourage you to reframe the experience. Isn’t it great that we forget a lot of our past - and even sometimes that we forget what we are saying at the moment? What do I mean?

Well, I don’t know about you, but, the memories I want to replay in my head are the ones where I was victorious, where I felt unconditional love and where I was at my peak. I remember these without hesitation. The other stuff — I may as well forget. Most of us dwell too much in our past anyway. We think it’s who we are when in fact, it’s no longer our truth. So, forgetting the past can be a very good thing.

What about forgetting mid-sentence what you were about to say? I find these moments sobering and they give me a chance to get centered and to ask myself, is this what I want to be thinking and saying right now? In other words, it keeps me more conscious - and that’s a good thing.

What about you? How do you feel about forgetting? Let’s hear from you here now.

I’m reading Marianne Williamson’s latest book again and it’s helping to evoke some of my own ideas about midlife. Her life and mine have been very different and while we are on similar paths, we come to some different conclusions or at least different viewpoints.

It’s made me wonder about what YOUR viewpoints on midlife are or have been? I’m writing these days on Messages that Women, in particular, have received about midlife.

As an example, I like to watch makeover shows — -not the extreme ones — but, things like What Not to Wear and How Do I Look. While I usually like those shows and love the way they help women with their self-esteem, one thing I noticed is that everyone they work with is YOUNG…. say 20 -30 mostly. Many times, when one of them isn’t dressing well, they say to her — You look 60! EEKS — I find myself cringing at the thought that that’s how these fashion icons see 60 year olds. I’ve passed 60 and I pride myself on the way I dress. I want to be a mentor and a model for what is possible.

What about you? What message do you see out there about being a midlife woman (or older?) Please post your comments here…You’ll be helping yourself as well as those who are following us in a better world!

Click on the download button below to watch my daily visualization movie.
I’ll post a message on how YOU can create your own shortly.
Thanks for watching — While you are at it, please give it a rating and post a comment
on YouTube…
Dr. Toni

I’ve been re-reading an old favorite, “You Money or Your Life” and am reminded of something I truly believe. Most of us don’t know when enough is enough. I, for one, never think I am doing enough…with the emphasis on the doing.

Midlife gives us the opportunity to pause and  begin to recognize that  what truly mattes in life, are not the things we’ve done or the gadgets we’ve accumulated, but the person we have become. I like who I am. I like who I am becoming. Do I HAVE it all?  No - nor do I think that’s a goal anymore.

I’m in the process of clearing out - cleaning out old clothes to make room for a new look I am developing. Cleaning out old journals - because they really only capture the moment they were written in, and that moment is no longer important.

Sometimes I grieve for those old moments. Grieving is an important part of moving forward, I believe. But, the grief is simply meant to be acknowledged and noticed and not lived from. I am living from my future - and it is constantly containing newness - different from the young girl who danced and sang. Different from the student and the poet. But, none the less special. I am learning to honor this new moment.  I am grateful. Are you?

Do you have a good coach? I do. I think it’s important. But, it’s particularly important to have one that honors YOU and your thinking and feeling, rather than one who tells you what to do. I discovered (well, I knew it before but it got clearer yesterday) that I often believe what other people say to me more than I trust my own guts and ideas. Why is that so? I haven’t fully explored that yet - I’ll keep you posted. But, I remember a time in high school when I got in trouble for something and my mom was angry at the teacher and I said - “she must be right!” Whew… I was already doubting my own knowing. I had done nothing wrong. Seriously.

It’s one of those midlife musings again to see the balance between getting help and acknowledging that you have all the answers within you. I’m beginning to see that the reason to go to a coach or counselor is to help get clear on what I already know. I often find myself saying, “No, that’s not it.” and that response is as valuable as the one that says, “right on!”

I invite you to ponder how often you go outside yourself to find answers that you already know. Do you know the difference. Let me hear from you. (It will help me clarify my own wisdom….)