In-lightened Enterprises - Midlife Blog

1. How much baggage is he carrying?

“Baggage” is different from life history. Baggage refers to serious unresolved problems — an ex-wife he can’t get over, betrayal by a business partner that has destroyed his trust, or an untreated depression. Nothing’s carved in stone. It matters only if the man is stuck, or willing to move on. (Try referring them to coaching if stuck. Attitude can be changed, if circumstances cannot, as you know!)
2. His emotional intelligence.

My client Melinda was having trouble figuring out what was going on with the guy she was dating who was 10 years older than she was. She assumed someone older was also wiser, which is not the case. A person’s emotional age can be much younger than their chronological age. If your intuition is telling you he’s immature, he is, regardless of his chronological age. If you’re in doubt, one session with an EQ coach can give you valuable information. EQ can always be advanced, BTW.
3. What does your intuition tell you?

Are you getting messages from your intuition? You should be. It’s your most valuable guide. Intuition is an emotional intelligence competency. Everyone has it, and it can also be developed. An assessment like The EQ Map will tell you how good yours is, and EQ coaching can help you improve it. Intuition takes up where the data runs out, and we need it for the most important life decisions of the heart. (He may call it “gut feeling.”) How will know he’s the right one for you? Your intuition. Analyzing the data will notget you there.
4. How are his relationships with the rest of his family?

There are patterns in our lives that keep repeating themselves (unless there is intervention). If his children aren’t speaking to him, or if they are calling him constantly and overly dependent on him, there’s something wrong. The same things will likely occur in your relationship with him. For instance, if he tells you his daughter “defied” him and he kicked her out, what do you think lies ahead for you when you first “defy” him, I mean have a disagreement?
5. What is his relationship with his mother?

We all know to check this one, but don’t overlook it.
6. What do you know about his former wife or wives?

Men are far less likely to change of broaden their tastes than women; in fact they are known to marry the same woman over and over again. You can find out what his “type” is and then anticipate the chances he’ll marry you. You can also anticipate where the sore points may lie. Let’s say you’re dating a physician who has married two social workers, and you’re a therapist. For some reason he’s attracted to psychological-types, and for some reason it hasn’t worked out. That reason why it hasn’t worked out needs to be given a long, cold look. (Call a coach!) Unless he is willing to change his way of doing things, you and he will have the same outcome.
7. Where is he in his career?

A man who is ready to retire is often desperate for companionship. If his work has been his “life,” it’s a time of confusion and fear, and his need will border on desperation for something to cling to. It’s not that you’d mind being a “lifesaver” temporarily, it’s that he won’t know his own mind, and yet will be very convincing. If you’re getting a barrage of flowers and cards and he’s talking about Fear of Retirement, give it time and look it over carefully.
8. How long has he been single?

My long experience in dating coaching confirms that a man in transition is not a good bet. Occasionally it works out, but not often. If he is “legally separated” or newly divorced, keep your thinking cap on. Men are likely to grab the first woman who comes along (who’s willing). Their vulnerability and touching earnestness can make them deceptively attractive. You won’t know you were being used until later on. Good coaches recommend their male clients in such a state date several women so as not to “lead them on.” Lead them on to what? A man newly divorced is not ready for a new commitment. If you’re just looking for a good time, he’s your man (thought the ending will still be rough). If you want serious, and you get involved, you’re likely to get your heart broken. Check it out with your coach if you’re not sure what you’re looking at. Men are not as creative in their response to life as women, and the patterns are quite recognizable to someone with experience.
9. What are his finances?

The state of a man’s finances at mid-life can indicate patterns. For instance, if he’s not been able to commit to a career or to a marriage, divorce takes its toll, and he’s likely to be in dire straits financially. There are other reasons too, of course, such as bad luck, or being in field with natural ups and downs, like the stock market, so check it out. The money itself isn’t the issue, it’s how and why it happened. (The value of money to you is a personal decision). Decide what you want and need in this area, check out his situation, and then find out why he is where he is.
If he’s well-heeled and ready for retirement, you will have a high-level problem. Likely he is about to grab a gal and cut loose. Is this you? In other words, what you see is not what you’re going to get. If you have ties to kids in the States and he wants to go live in the mountains of Spain or spend a year at-sea on his yacht, you’d best know this as soon as possible so you can make a decision.

10. Why are YOU dating?

In listening to people, and reading the online profiles, we see different points of view. While we assume in our 20s that men and women want the same thing in marriage, interests vary widely at midlife. A man may be impotent, for instance, and just want companionship, or twice-burned and determined never to marry again which might be fine with you, except what it really means is he will never love again. (I wish these men would come for coaching!) He may have his family all gathered around him and be planning to spend his later years playing with the grandkids, or want to live in the Bahamas and travel 6 months of the year. And what do you want? The main thing to figure out is his flexiblity (an emotional intelligence competency). Some people are quite willing to change plans with time, or for a loved one. Others are not. You need to know what you’re looking at. If he’s the kind who has been in the same profession for 40 years and lived in the same house for 30, and says he will work till he dies and never move, you’d best believe it.
About the Submitter

This piece was originally submitted by Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, Founding Member of Coachville, Life & EQ Coach, who can be reached at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or visited on the web. Susan Dunn wants you to know: Offering individual coaching, business programs, seminars, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional enhancement. Top-rated coach certification program - fast, affordable, effective, no-residency Email for information and for free ezine.

November 4, 2008

Tonight’s historic win by Barack Obama and Joe Biden is truly a victory for women and girls in the United States and around the world. After eight years of the Bush administration slashing away at women’s and civil rights, shredding social services, and favoring ideology over science, women voters cleaned house today.

We believe Obama-Biden will be the most feminist, progressive administration ever to lead this country, and we are ready to work hard to help bring about policies that will increase equality and opportunity for all.

This year we witnessed several potential firsts in the race for the White House, and as an organization committed to ending racism and promoting diversity, NOW is proud to celebrate the election of Senator Barack Obama, the first African-American U.S. president. This achievement marks the beginning of a new chapter in our nation’s history - a chapter that NOW is eager to help write, a chapter that will move us forward as women and as a people.

What do feminists expect from this next administration? For starters, we want women to have the opportunity to succeed in the workplace, and to be rewarded fairly for their labor. The economic downturn has had a disproportionate impact on women, who are paid less than men and occupy the vast majority of low-paying jobs. As a result, women have less savings and little cushion to carry them through a financial crisis. We will work with President Obama to close the gender wage gap, increase the minimum wage, and pass legislation that will help women better balance family and work, including expanded paid sick days and family and medical leave.

Another key component in women’s ability to thrive in our society is access to health care, including the full range of reproductive health services and contraception (not just Viagra!). NOW will closely follow the implementation of President Obama’s health care plan, and advocate for the full coverage of women’s health needs, just as men’s health concerns have always been covered. Recent news reports highlight the fact that women pay more for health care, and we expect this blatant discrimination to end during the next administration.

On the issue of reproductive rights, there are many ways an Obama administration can help pull women back from the brink. We believe President Obama will immediately reverse the Global Gag Rule, as President Bill Clinton did; restore and increase international family planning funds; and halt the taxpayer giveaway to ineffective, dangerous abstinence-only sex education. As for the Supreme Court, the Roe v. Wade decision hangs in the balance after Bush’s two ultra-conservative additions to the Supreme Court, and we know President Obama will appoint judges and justices who recognize and respect women’s rights.

The Iraq war is a key issue for women because of the pain and suffering visited upon families both domestically and abroad, as well as the enormous financial cost — billions that could be helping to save lives and improve communities, not destroy them. For those reasons, we look forward to President Obama quickly honoring his campaign promise to end the war in Iraq and begin bringing our troops home.

On so many issues, an Obama-Biden administration can lead our country in a positive, transformative direction — from advocating for a constitutional guarantee of gender equality, to supporting same-sex civil unions and parenting rights. NOW also will urge the new administration to take the lead on ending violence against women and girls here and around the globe and to push forward on the ratification of CEDAW, the United Nations treaty to end sex discrimination.

Hope and change have been the hallmarks of the Obama campaign-the guiding force that led to an indisputable victory. The change that feminists hope to see includes equality and justice for all.

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For Immediate Release
Contact: Mai Shiozaki, 202-628-8669, ext. 116; cell 202-641-1906

“Midlife is when you reach the top of the ladder and find that it is against the wrong wall.”

~ Joseph Campbell

Seventy-six million “Baby Boomers” are facing the midlife experience. Midlife is certainly a time of change and transition, but it is only a normal stage of life, like childhood or adolescence. Saying it is normal means that it cannot be avoided. Live long enough and you will encounter it. As you could not avoid adolescence, so you cannot avoid midlife. Midlife may be denied, but it cannot be escaped.

Midlife is greatly misunderstood. It is essentially a positive experience with the goal of making you a “whole” person. It is trying to transform you from one level of living to another. Adolescence transformed you from a child into an adult. It may not have been a pleasant experience, but it was not meant to be fun. It was meant to change you.

Midlife also intends to change you, and you may not enjoy it. Midlife is trying to guide you towards psychological and spiritual wholeness. At midlife you are only halfway to that goal. More growth is needed but may be resisted if you have become comfortably stuck where you are.

In life, there are two major identity crises. The first, occurring in adolescence, is to establish an identity. You must get a sense of who you are by focusing on achievement and accomplishment. You develop a unique personality style. You become “you,” but the danger is that “you” may be overly focused upon yourself. The second identity crisis is at midlife when you must give up who you think you are so you can become who you were meant to be. This transition is not easy and is greatly resisted as seen in well-known midlife crisis.

While midlife provides the opportunity to enliven life, many people think that it is a time to recapture lost youth. The challenge of midlife is not to become young again but to grow into your full potential. Midlife provides an opportunity for psychological and spiritual growth that encourages you to give up your self-centered nature and learn to nurture and care for others.

Ultimately, midlife is about the search for true meaning in life, which is always a spiritual quest. Midlife is an opportunity for an awakening into a deeper spirituality that takes us into caring for and giving to others. Midlife is trying to make us loving people who can focus less on ourselves and more on others. This is a difficult change, and the midlife journey cannot be taken without a certain amount of suffering.

One of the meanings of the word “suffer” is to live through or to allow an experience into your life. At midlife you must suffer — live through — the loss, change, and letting go of much of what you bring into it. You must give up one identity for another. It is like the transformation from a caterpillar into a butterfly. It is neither pleasant nor guaranteed, but if you don’t take the risk, you stagnate.

Midlife wants to take you on a journey of transformation and make you a kinder and more generous person. While it is often a harrowing adventure, it can be ultimately rewarding.

Are you willing to take the journey? Are you willing to let go of who you are in order to see who you can become?

Learn more about midlife at http://www.lessonsforliving.com/midlife.htm

Dr. Dan Johnston, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist affiliated with Mercer Health Systems in Macon, Georgia. For 20 years he was the Director of Psychological Services for a large metropolitan Medical Center and is currently serving as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science for Mercer University School of Medicine in Macon, Georgia. Dr. Johnston’s expertise is in stress management and resiliency training. He is the author of “Lessons for Living: Simple Solutions for Life’s Problems” from Dagali Press and creator of the popular Lessons for Living Web Site (http://www.lessonsforliving.com).

Isn’t that what we all want…to live a vibrant and successful life?

Celebrating ourselves is good for us. It’s good for our families, our friends and our communities - that positive energy is both life affirming and infectious. What better way to celebrate than to find little ways to indulge yourself and those you love? Women sometimes get so caught up in “taking care of” others that often we are the last to be cared for. Let’s start with taking care of ourselves and each other. Here are some suggestions to get you started. As you go though this list, write down the ones that speak to you, as well as the ones you think of in your journal.

What are you grateful for? Start a gratitude notebook (or section of your journal) and list all the things you are grateful for. Read it whenever you are feeling overwhelmed by life.

Plant a tree in honor of someone you care about. Better yet, plant an orchard.

Giving does wonders for yourself and others. Consider volunteering at your local school, senior center or library.

Do you have a tub? Candles? Some quiet piano music? Can you say “aahhh”?

Become a blood, organ and/or bone marrow donor.

Daydream! This is vitally important.

Manifest your life! Visualize what it is that you want. Get all the colors, smells and textures, emotions involved. Bring it to life. Remember we are what we think about.

Be in silence.

Send yourself flowers.

Exercise! Being physically fit is the ultimate way to vibrant living!

Make bubbles.

Invest in yourself (savings or retirement account, education)!

Go out into the night, away from the city lights and watch the meteor showers.

Be outrageous in all that you do.

Throw a party FOR your best friends.

Don’t wait for tomorrow.

Invite a special friend and splurge on a good meal.

Run through the sprinklers!

Find a photo booth in a mall and take some fun pictures of yourself.

Treat yourself to a spa day. Don’t forget the pedicure.

Learn to accept gifts from your friends.

Have breakfast in bed.

Have a belly laugh!

Curl up, in front of the fire, with hot chocolate and a really good book.

Volunteer at your local soup kitchen, food bank.

Adopt a park, beach, or community space in your town.

Be the first to venture outside after a snow storm.
(c)2004 Barbara C. Phillips

For over 26 years, Barbara C. Phillips, MN, NP has been involved in health care. Now, as the founder of OlderWiserWomen, LLC, that experience and passion is focused on Women who want to experience the freedom, magic and wisdom of successful aging. She can be reached through http://www.OlderWiserWomen.com

By H. Les Brown

In 1980, singer Grace Jones released her version of the song, “Love is the Drug” and it soon became a hit on the disco circuit. It’s true: though we don’t always think about it in those terms, love is a very potent drug. Who doesn’t love being high on love? To be sure, though, it’s not the only drug that successful men (and women) get themselves involved in. Work gives love a run for its money almost any day. After all, it’s a lot easier to get hooked on work, and it’s a lot harder to build up a tolerance to it. Then, of course, we mustn’t forget exercise and sports (both playing and watching) and, while we’re on the subject, TV and the internet, too. You’ve got to face it: the life of a successful man can be a trip from one high to the next, day after day.

Once you add to this mix caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, prescription and illegal drugs (whether they’re used occasionally or not-so-occasionally), the picture of the guy you see in the mirror may be fogging up a little. “But wait!” you may say. “How dare you put love, work, exercise, and entertainment in the same category as all these other things?” I’ll be more than happy to give you two simple reasons for my decision: 1) you can easily develop a dependency on any one or all of these things; and 2) they can all be used to serve the exact same purpose - to keep you from really feeling your feelings.

When you look at it that way, what’s your ‘drug of choice’? Which of these do you run to to ‘relax’ when things start getting out of hand? If you really want to find out the truth about yourself (and you’ve read along this far, so why not?), make yourself a written list of the things you use to ‘escape’ from the times you find your life wearing you down. One of these items on your list is probably your ‘drug of choice’, but how will you know for sure? Look at your list. Now ask yourself, if you were forced to give up one of these drugs, which one would hurt you the most? Think to yourself, “how would I feel if I could never do this thing again?” To be honest with you, this exercise has only a 50-50% chance of showing you the truth. That’s the case because, if you’re really badly addicted to something, you’ll most likely lie to yourself saying, “I could give this up any time I chose to; I just don’t choose to right now.”

Whether you know what your ‘drug(s) of choice’ is or not becomes a moot question when you enter fully into the midlife transition. You’ll know that this is happening because your drugs will stop working and those pesky emotions will start to seep through into your consciousness. The more you try to escape (and you may wind up trying multiple escape routes), the less effect your efforts will have on your feelings. At some point, if you’re capable of being really honest with yourself, you’ll look at yourself in the mirror (if you can still do that) and say, “I hate the person I’ve become; I hate what I’m doing; this isn’t working for me anymore.” If and when you embrace that experience fully, one day you’ll look back at that moment and realize that that’s when your transition really happened. That’s when your third (and ultimate) stage of life began.

The transition from being an adult (a child without parental constraints) to being a mature human being means quitting all the drugs and letting all the emotions (no matter how nasty they may feel) come through. Don’t worry: on the other side of the transition, you’ll still get a lot of enjoyment out of all the things you love to do; you just won’t have to do them any more. Before that can happen, though, you not only need to have the experience of seeing yourself in the mirror as the man you truly are, but you also need to feel what it’s like to be the man you’ve become. That’s why I call midlife the ‘antidote’. It invites you take that giant step out of the fog of senseless self-delusion and into the cold, but crisp and clear, air of the real world.

I want to stress here that midlife can only present you with an invitation. Nobody can force you to step outside of your drug-induced hallucinations. Regardless of how painful withdrawal from these ‘medications’ may be, you’re always free to run and find a new ‘drug of choice’ that can replace the ones that aren’t working for you anymore - however temporary those new escapes may be. You always have that choice, nobody can take it away from you (’fix’ you) and nobody can do it for you. In this case, you’re very much on your own.

What’s at stake here? If you don’t mind the use of the term, it’s nothing short of your soul. Define that any way you choose. By ’soul’ I mean (at the very least) the person you were destined to become and the contribution you were put here to make. It’s the core purpose behind every breath that you draw. To run away from your core purpose means nothing short of denying your own personal essence and, therefore, emptying your life of any meaning it could have (and should have) had.

No doubt, you’ll find me a powerful advocate for that mature, dedicated, purposeful, contented man inside you who’s struggling to get out. Every step you take down the road of Midlife Mastery brings you closer to him. Every drug you let go of makes him more real: more present. Yet, you have a much stronger advocate than I right in front of you. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can point your spirit guide out to you (and I think that’s my most powerful role). Your primary advocate through the pain of your midlife transition is none other than your future self. If you were to project yourself 20 years into the future and look back on the you of today, what would you tell him? What advice would you give him? What would you scold him about? What would you be most proud of him for? What would you be most disappointed in him about?

Someday - way sooner than you may like to imagine - you will be that man. The choices you make today . . . right now . . . will determine how you you’re going to feel about yourself when that day comes. That future you is a very, very important person with a very significant contribution to make to this world of ours. You have a choice. Don’t let him down.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC

ProActivation® Coaching

Website: http://www.ProActivation.com

E-Mail: [mailto:info@ProActivation.com]info@ProActivation.com

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Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=H._Les_Brown http://EzineArticles.com/?Midlife-is-the-Antidote&id=1488265

Have you read Marianne Williamson’s Age of Miracles, all about midlife? I just read it the second time. It’s my quest in life to change the way the world views midlife and I think this is a start. I don’t always agree with everything Marianne has to say, but there is a wonderful passage that I want to share (in case you haven’t already read it) since it speaks to my heart:

Famous passage from Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Actually, who are you NOT to be?You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I invite you to ponder those ideas -and ask yourself where in your life you are FEARING FREEDOM and therefore blocking this quality that wants to come into your experience in a greater way?

Choose today to accept the fact that we were born free and are meant to be free. Free from the influence, of others. Free of the thoughts and opinions of others. Free of our past. We are not living in the past and can be totally free from that. We are free to be the full expression of who we are - individually. Because we are individual expressions of the One Mind, One Power, One Life, this means we have self choice, volition, a conscious mind, complete freedom and a “POWER TO BACK UP THAT FREEDOM.”

From Ernest Holmes
In the Science of Mind, by Ernest Holmes on p.108 we read: “We cannot imagine a mechanical or unspontaneous individuality; to be real and free, individuality must be created in the image of Perfection and let alone to make the great discovery for itself.” That is the discovery of our Freedom.

We are created with the possibility of limitless freedom and left alone to discover it ourselves. This discovery is called the awakening process.

Ultimate freedom is the freedom to be the divine self that you are, which includes living as a fully balanced and conscious being. When you remember that you are liberated, you are spontaneous in your expression of life and you express in ways that are in harmony with the greatest good for everyone concerned. How many of us live inhibited, for whatever reason.

I watched a video recently of people laughing, just people laughing and they looked so silly and most of us don’t want to look like that. We’re worried that people might think there is something strange about us. So, we hold ourselves back from laughing. How many things do you hold yourself back from? When you accept your Freedom, you are at ease wherever you find yourself. You have the freedom, to just be you. When you are free, you don’t have to worry about what the other person is thinking, feeling, being, doing. When you are really free, you can totally allow another person to be free, because you don’t depend on their being anything. And that’s even your partner or anyone else in your life. Your freedom doesn’t depend on what they do or say. Nothing binds you, you are a true individual, unique and expressive. Life takes on more joy when freedom is realized.

We have total freedom to choose at every moment and we constantly experience the results of our thoughts and the results of our actions. What Freedom that is! We think it’s a burden, but, in truth, its amazing freedom to know that no one else has the power over your life but you. If you don’t like what’s happening in your life, you have the power to change it. You don’t have to wait until mom or dad do something. You don’t have to wait until your partner gets better; you don’t have to wait until the children grow up; you don’t have to wait for anything. You’re the one that has the ultimate power and the ultimate freedom. When we do that, being free allows us to experience so much more of life.

The difference between freedom and bondage is simply the word, Choice. We have choice in every single moment, in every single experience. Let’s choose to be conscious of our choice. But, even that choice is yours.

I’ve been told that midlife extends from 40 - 65 and so I got this idea to write a book where I interview people over 65 for their advice on midlife. You know how when you get an idea, it mushrooms. Well, I just came back from lunch where I was being wooed by a national radio station to do a show — and — well, now we’re looking for sponsors and we’ll be off starting January.

I know what happens when I get an idea. It’s so exciting to watch this all unfold.

Would love to hear from those of you over 65 who want to be included in the interviews as well.
Dr. Toni
Midlife Mentor
http:/www.reinventmidlife.com

How many times have you heard yourself or your friends say, “I’m losing it”. EEKS… What are we doing to ourselves? Our words create our reality and if you are referring to forgetting things as you get older, I’d like to encourage you to reframe the experience. Isn’t it great that we forget a lot of our past - and even sometimes that we forget what we are saying at the moment? What do I mean?

Well, I don’t know about you, but, the memories I want to replay in my head are the ones where I was victorious, where I felt unconditional love and where I was at my peak. I remember these without hesitation. The other stuff — I may as well forget. Most of us dwell too much in our past anyway. We think it’s who we are when in fact, it’s no longer our truth. So, forgetting the past can be a very good thing.

What about forgetting mid-sentence what you were about to say? I find these moments sobering and they give me a chance to get centered and to ask myself, is this what I want to be thinking and saying right now? In other words, it keeps me more conscious - and that’s a good thing.

What about you? How do you feel about forgetting? Let’s hear from you here now.

This past weekend I attended the Hay House event, I CAN DO IT in Tampa, FL.  Marianne Williamson’s talk on Midlife, comparing our personal growth and change to what is happening in our world was awesome.  She gave us all hope and reminded us that we all went through criseses in our younger years and we are here to tell about it.  The doom and gloom in our ‘economy’ and threats of terror are the world’s indication that it is going through puberty!!  Interesting concept — and very stirring message.  If you get a chance to listen to it, I highly recommend it.  Check out Hay House offerings.  If you haven’t read Marianne’s latest book, The Age of Miracles, I also highly recommend that.  My new book is a bit different from Marianne’s — because our experiences have been different — but the basic message is similar — change is not only possible, it is inevitable. And as Barbara Marx Hubbard always says, “our crisis is our birth.”  It’s time to be re-born.