by Richard B. Patterson

Midlife crisis has unfortunately become the stuff of made-for-television movies. The weekly crisis of a middle-aged man leaving his wife of twenty years for a woman half his age has become almost a cultural stereotype. Sadly, the profound quality and significance of midlife crisis becomes lost in the process such that men and women in the midst of this upheaval minimize its significance.

Midlife crisis is a fundamentally spiritual event of great power which can lead to either tremendous spiritual growth or can generate more chaos. To emerge from the dark forest of midlife crisis, we need to understand the substance of the crisis and we also need to be aware that the healthy resolution of midlife crisis brings with it a newly discovered gift.

What provokes a midlife crisis? First of all, there is age. Midlife tends to be viewed as stretching from ages 35 to 50, sometimes beyond 50, given the increasing chances of longevity. It tends also to be precipitated by loss of some sort — a health problem, a missed promotion, and especially the departure of adult children. Suddenly our life seems frighteningly devoid of meaning, empty, without direction. Everything that we felt was important seems insignificant. We believe we have missed out on something. To relieve the fear and turmoil, we begin searching for what we think is missing. It is at this point that we can get in trouble. If we fail to recognize the spiritual quality of midlife crisis, we opt for quick solutions which end up fostering even more chaos.

There are three aspects to midlife crisis, three themes around which the turmoil revolves. The first of these is vitality. By vitality, we mean energy and passion. At midlife, we notice that our bodies slow down. Perhaps we begin to deal with health problems or simply bodily changes due to aging. We also can find ourselves devoid of passion. Sexual passion may be an infrequent event. Our passionate juices simply seem to have dried up. Thus, the misguided attempt to resolve the crisis of vitality at a strictly sexual level.

The second facet of midlife crisis is intimacy. At midlife, we may have been in a relationship for some length of time. We may have experienced the dissolution of relationships. Or we may simply become aware of spending a great deal of time alone. In any case, at midlife, we tend to take stock of the quality of intimacy in our relationships. We may conclude that the relationships come up lacking. We long for a level of closeness. We long for romance. We may simply long for friendship. Thus we have the image of a man or woman of forty paging through his/her high school yearbook.

The third theme of midlife is legacy. Perhaps a parent or friend has died. Perhaps something such as the Oklahoma City bombing forces us to recognize how vulnerable we are. In any event, it finally dawns on us that we are not going to live forever. We may then find ourselves quite fearful that nothing of value will live on after us. We may take some comfort if we have children but then again if we have successfully parented we have already made peace with the fact that our children’s lives are theirs to unfold and cannot be manipulated to be a testimony to our own worth.

To work with midlife crisis in a positive manner, we must first understand it to be a search, a quest if you will, in which we are looking for new sources of vitality, intimacy, and legacy. We need to be willing to look directly at that which we have put off and be prepared for the possible need of grieving. We need to see if we have lost the capacity to dream about the future. We need to assess whether there is any element of the spiritual active in our daily lives.

In addressing issues of vitality, we need to nurture our creative side, perhaps even get to know it for the first time. We need to allow ourselves enthusiasms which may not necessarily be “productive.” We need to assess how responsible we are in maintaining a lifestyle which is kind to our bodies. And we need to assess how mechanical and habit-bound we have become as far as the sexual aspect of our lives is concerned.

In exploring the theme of intimacy, we must confront the many walls we may have built to keep others out. We need to examine the many ways we may have been taking significant others in our lives for granted. We need to reach out.

In working with the theme of legacy, we need to honestly consider that which we have put off because of assuming we have many tomorrows. We need to assess that which is going unspoken. (There is nothing worse than having someone in your life die and to realize that you never said certain things to that person, even simple things such as “I love you.”) We need to honestly evaluate whether our work is in any way satisfying.

The resolution of midlife crisis includes a gift. It may be the acquisition of a previously unknown creative ability. It may be a new friendship or a deepened marriage. It may involve a return to school to pursue a long-delayed career goal. It may be a deeply enriched relationship with the God of one’s understanding.

In his journey into the forest, Dante had the benefit of guides. We can do well to follow his example. Such guides can include a therapist, a rabbi or pastor, or simply a friend.

I have experienced two clear instances of midlife crisis. The first at age 35 resulted in sobriety. The second at age 40 resulted in publication of my first book. They were both terrifying times when I thought I was going insane. While I am grateful for the gifts, I am not anxious to reenter the forest.

7/11/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.

Gratitude is about living in the present moment. When we’re not noticing all the good that’s in our lives, we often keep striving to achieve more, be more, get more. Or sometimes we’re locked into the past, into what didn’t work for us then. Holding onto wounds and feeling angry or hurt by past events and people victimizes us and keeps us from the present. It takes away our power. Actually we take away our own power.

When we’re in the middle of a bad experience, sometimes we don’t feel like there’s anything to be grateful for. But the negative thoughts and energy we are experiencing can be transformed or neutralized by introducing gratitude & forgiveness practices into our lives.

Sarah Ban Breathnach offers a simple exercise in her book Simple Abundance. Her idea is to write down 5 things we are grateful for each day, either in the morning or at night. The items don’t have to be earthshaking, she says, rather they can be as simple as giving thanks for a comfortable bed at the end of a difficult day.

This exercise works for anyone. It can make a good life better, and can go a long way towards changing our energy if and when we get into negativity. Sometimes people approach life from a “glass is half-empty” philosophy. This simple exercise can open our eyes to the positive that is all around us.

I’ve begun a new practice: When I feel a qualm about anything, whether it be my writing, my client sessions, an upsetting thought about a relationship, I immediately go into a place of gratitude. It works immediately, like a charm. This was recommended to me by my friend, Judith Onley, who recently stayed with us for a week. Her healing work is described on her website, Dance with Spirit.

Best of all, gratitude somehow creates a space, an opening for more good things to come into our lives. You’ve heard the expression, ‘like attracts like’. Well the wonderful energy of our gratitude continually draws more positivity to us. So find something small or large to be grateful for today!

From time to time, I like to share what other midlife blogs are saying… This one is something I know you’ll like…

by Ellen Besso, Personal Coach for Midlife Women

For those of us edging towards forty or fifty, our lives are often in major flux. There may be outward signs…our bodies aren’t quite the same weight or shape! Menstrual cycles change and stop. But the biggest change is within. We may feel like we’re not the woman we were…that we’re on the road to becoming someone very different. The “circuitry rewiring” that Dr. Christine Northrup speaks of changes every bodily system and organ, particularly the brain. This affects how we feel within ourselves and how we relate to others.

It can be a very confusing time. I know I certainly didn’t expect “it” to happen so soon. As the initial minor physical changes gave way to a deepening of experience I found I was affected on an emotional, mental and spiritual level as well. I really didn’t know what was going on, and even more importantly, where I was going in this rapidly accelerating process. The circuitry rewiring means that the part of our brain that mediates strong emotions is affected. This can result in an intensifying of our feelings and sometimes includes anger. It makes us more passionate about things. I feel that at this stage of our lives women do not tolerate fools as gladly as we may have once.

As our “nurturing hormones”, (as Northrup calls them) decrease, we may find we want to do more for ourselves rather than others. This could take the form of exploring new avenues, reviving old interests, meeting with friends who relate to us or simply being quietly alone with ourselves in our home or in nature. The changes within us, manifesting outwardly as different behaviours and actions, don’t always get a favourable reception from family members and others. It’s human nature to dislike change, especially when those close to us change and it impacts us. And when one family member (us) changes it has a domino effect on everyone else. This is basic ‘family systems’ theory and it can apply to friendships and work groups as well as families.

So how to find solutions that work for us amidst all this upheaval? How to balance our needs with our family, work and other commitments? This article is meant to help you find balance in your busy lives…to find room for you. By following some of the suggestions below you can re-prioritize so that you are meeting your own needs in all areas: body, mind and spirit. You, and you alone are responsible for your well-being in every aspect of your life. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else will and you will burn out physically, mentally and/or spiritually. You’ll be a very unhappy camper, and those around you will pay a price also. I’ve seem many women in this position.

Take These Steps to Re-charge Yourself:

Always put yourself first: (after the needs of young, dependent children have been met)
This will sound like heresy to many women. Women are commonly by nature and training nurturers. We stretch ourselves too thin. Many of the things we do for our families, co-workers, friends and the organizations we belong to can be done by others, however. For example, at home, kids can do their own laundry. Before committing to responsibilities in service clubs, churches or extra tasks at work, always check in with yourself. Take a deep breath, hold it then exhale a couple of times. Then ask yourself “Is this truly the way I want to spend my time?” Or is it a knee-jerk reaction from habit? Chances are at least 50% of the time your answer will be a resounding “No!”

Prioritize immediately & regularly: Make a list of everything you have to do this week; don’t leave anything out. Rate truly non-negotiable items as #1. It’s imperative that you give your personal time a #1. Think of it as the “pay yourself first” approach recommended for savings accounts. Without monitoring yourself rate the others from #2 to #10. Ruthlessly eliminate at least 25% of the highest numbered tasks.

With the remaining tasks or duties use the following 3 options:

Do them less often;
Do them for shorter periods of time; or
Don’t do them at all.
For example, even with your job, you can, if you choose, give yourself a day off occasionally, even if your not “sick to dying”, as an old friend used to say. Consider it a ‘mental health day’. Note: Always keep your options open - it’s okay to change your mind about doing something you’ve planned if it doesn’t feel right to you. This exercise is adapted from Martha Beck, PhD.

Schedule time for you daily & take yourself on a weekly date:
Create a time that’s just for you each day, even if it’s only 30 minutes. Soothe yourself with a warm candlelit bubble bath, read a favourite book, journal or contemplate. It’s crucial to have a quiet space that’s yours and yours alone. There was a woman featured on the Oprah Show who converted a walk-in closet into her sanctuary. It was complete with soft lighting and a comfortable chair, and family members understood they could not interrupt her there. Once a week take a leaf from Julia Cameron’s book and plan a 2-3 hour solo outing doing something you love to do. I guarantee that these things will make a difference in your life.

Look after yourself body, mind and spirit:
Eating can be quite simple…really. When we’re overloaded, rushed and stressed, we often make food choices that may not be the healthiest for us. Many women feel better eating lightly and frequently, including lots of fruit, vegetables and vegetarian protein as well as a little animal protein. This diet is good for kids and partners too. Spending a little time outside in nature daily, doing light exercise, reading uplifting articles or books and quietly meditating or contemplating feeds us body, mind and spirit.

Be open and transparent about your needs:
Let others know at home, at work and in your organizations that you are making changes in your life to allow time for you. Give as much or as little information as feels appropriate to the situation. Many of us were brought up in families where the ability to mind read was expected. But in truth, none of us knows anyone else’s reality. We need to tell each other what’s going on for us, not make assumptions or feel resentful. Given a little time, most people will adjust to our requests for change if they are “put in the loop”.

Carve out some relationship time each week: (for those in committed relationships)
‘Life in the fast lane’ takes a toll on relationships. Many of us do nothing but work and take care of family and at night then fall into bed exhausted. It’s hard to take time away from these important responsibilities to do something “discretionary” when we feel maxed out. It is worth it though. Even a 30 to 60 minute “coffee date” with our partner takes us away from our daily lives into a new environment, and therefore new possibilities. Try it, you’ll see!

If you have any feedback about these Tips for Recharging, or any questions, please contact me at:

info@ellenbesso.com
800 961 1364 – North America
604 886 1916 – Gibsons, BC

A good friend sent this — I don’t know the author - but, it’s worth passing on,,

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I
was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old! Upon seeing my
reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an
interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let him know.

Growing Older, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have
always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body …
the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the cellulite. And often I am taken back
by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don’t agonize over those
things for long.

*I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my
loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve
become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own
friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making
my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks
so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant,
to smell the flowers. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too
soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer
until 4 a.m. and then sleep until –I will dance with myself to those
wonderful tunes of the 50’s & 60’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep
over a lost love … I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a
bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,
despite the pitying glances from the bikini set, who too, will get old
(If they’re lucky)!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is
just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart
not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a
beloved pet dies? But broken hearts are what give us strength,
understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and
sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray,
and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my
face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair
could turn silver. I can say “no,” and mean it. I can say “yes.” and mean it

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about
what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned
the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free.
I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I
am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or
worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day… (if
I want).
Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
Love simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

LIVE WELL - LAUGH OFTEN - LOVE MUCH!

Helen Dennis’ group aims to help women transition through a later stage of life.

Jane Glenn Haas

Our Time
Special to the Register
jghaas@cox.net

There’s a temptation to be smug. To proclaim the old saw that “great minds think alike.”

But, in honesty, Helen Dennis and I don’t exactly think alike.

Dennis’ Los Angeles-based Project Renewment, described in her latest book with that title, is similar to WomanSage, the nonprofit organization for women in midlife I founded in Orange County. Similar but not the same.

“You give women a university – many ways to rediscover themselves,” she says. “We offer a retirement model for career women.”

Indeed, that’s the title of her newly published book: “Project Renewment ™ The First Retirement Model for Career Women,” by Bernice Bratter and Helen Dennis (Scribner, 2008).

WomanSage, by comparison, brings together about 200 women monthly for programs on everything from retirement options to traveling after 50. The organization (online at www.womansage.org) also has more than a dozen interest groups that concentrate on specific topics, from money matters to hiking.

But members of both groups share similar qualities.

“These are highly effective, successful women,” Dennis says.

Dennis believes, and so do I, that this generation of women – highly educated, career-minded – is confused and unwilling to face retirement.

We are the first generation affected by the women’s movement. Heck, some of us started the movement.

Our mothers and grandmothers were strong women who knew their place in life. We’ve been forging a new role without guidebooks to point the way.

“A lot of women 50 and older think, ‘Maybe I’m different for feeling this way,’ and we need to tell them they’re not,” Dennis says. “So many women are at the same point at this time. They are women who love their work, who love the struggle to grab for the brass ring, who do the work necessary to get ahead, and they are not willing to end this significant chapter in their lives.”

“Project Renewment” is all about finding that renewal. In 38 short essays, the authors explore everything from “how do you define your passion” to “when is the last time you cleaned your clothing closet?”

Each chapter presents a life issue after 50 (from widowhood to finding a good place to volunteer), talks about how others have faced (and solved) the same challenges, and ends with specific “questions to ask yourself.”

“The book can be used collectively – by a book club or a group of friends – or it can be used individually,” Dennis says.

Dennis is a prime example of the women she hopes to reach.

A leader on issues of aging, employment and retirement, she’s been involved in lecturing at the University of Southern California Andrus Center for 25 years and conducting research for national organizations. She writes a weekly column for MediaGroup and enjoys theater, yoga and her grandchildren.

At 67, she’s still reaching for life’s brass ring.

Contact the writer: jghaas@cox.net

Women’s Web is pleased to share with its readers books written by women, for women, and about women. Women of the Silent Generation—those born between 1925 and 1944—may not be going silently into the night. In fact, they’re still doing it, still loving it, and getting better at it.

Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women Over Sixty

Women of the Silent Generation may not be going silently into the night.

According to the NIH National Institute on Aging US age pyramid, projections are that in 2030, there will be 33.75 million women but only 29.25 million men between the age of 65 and 84. In other words, older women will continue to experience the same “partner gap” as today in finding eligible men after divorce, death of a husband, or having never been married.

Despite the imbalance, we might learn from the experiences of some women of the Silent Generation—those born between 1925 and 1944—who have decided to explore new ways of living, showing us that despite those prevailing stereotypes of the elderly with bath chairs and canes, the golden years are for many just that: golden.

Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women over Sixty (Avery, October 2008) celebrates the lives of some of the daring, outspoken and sensual women of the Silent Generation who are actively embracing new challenges, new careers, and new types of romantic relationships and sexual experiences. Based on extensive interviews and research by authors Deirdre Fishel and Diana Holtzberg, producers of the award-winning documentary film of the same name, the book explores the lives and loves of an incredible group of women in their 60s, 70s and older—women who are confident and wise and willing to take on risks—and relationships—they may never have imagined, whether with much younger men, multiple partners, or other women.

Among those we meet are

• Harret Somers Zerling, age 80, a bohemian and artist with a penchant for younger men. Though mostly straight, she was also the one-time lover of Susan Sontag.
• Lainie Cook, 66, a beauty sings the blues at Joe’s Pub in New York City.
• Elaine Isom, 81, a funny and high-spirited African-American woman and great-grandmother who still feels sexual, despite two bouts with cancer.
• Shelley Leinhardt, 66, an intensely fit and gorgeous woman who left her husband in her fifties to join the rocky world of singledom. She recently returned from doing humanitarian work in Africa.
• Marnie Hensel, 76, a champion skier into her seventies before switching gears to earn her Masters in health coaching. She’s jumped out of a plane and has 6 grandchildren and a new boyfriend 15 years her junior.

As women continue to live longer and healthier lives, their appetite for sex is slow to fade and for many, sex is an essential part of their well-being. The women in this book have raised kids, been in long-term relationships, lost spouses, been divorced, come out of the closet, and even found love in the nursing home, but they are all living life on their own terms. Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women over Sixty takes on myths and misconceptions and provides the tools and inspiration for women of all ages—partnered, single, straight or gay—to reinvent themselves, enjoy their bodies and take risks at all stages in life. Stimulating and eye-opening, this book shows that older women are still doing it, still loving it, and still getting better at it.

Nothing directly to do with midlife - but this story was so great, I wanted

to share it..   Life is so much more than we know.

Every Friday, we buy a bag of groceries for a number of families in
our Work-For-Food Program. On one particular Friday, we set a clear
intention to provide the groceries - even though we didn’t have the
cash to do it. To make things even more exciting, we had been
without a telephone dial tone for several days, and were waiting for
the phone company to fix it.

So it was fun later that morning when the phone rang.

The call came from a couple we had never met, but who were traveling
from San Jose, the capitol city, to Puerto Viejo. “I saw on your
website that you provide bags of food”, the husband said. “If you
give us a shopping list, we’ll buy them here and bring them down
today.” Nanci gave him the shopping list, and hung up the phone.

We picked up the phone a few minutes after the call. No dial tone.

The groceries arrived, and the families got their much-needed food.

The phone company fixed the line on Monday.

Loaves, fishes, and SOM kind of utility.

Barry Stevens
Co-Director Study Group Costa Rica
Co-Founder, El Puente - The Bridge
The Bridge provides educational assistance, food assistance, and
microloans mainly to indigenous people in the southeastern part of
Costa Rica. Our goal is to help people help themselves to self-
sufficiency.
See us at http://www.elpuente-thebridge.org

Yesterday, I had the privilege of doing the first interview for my upcoming book, Midlife Mentors.  The woman’s name is Jean Tharpe and she is 92 years young.  What a joy…

If you know of anyone over 70 that you believe would make a good mentor for midlife woman, please let me know… midlifementor@gmail.com

Also, if you have any questions you would like to see me ask, I’d appreciate it greatly.

Thanks

Dr. Toni

The Midlife Mentor

One day my father, as a young man, came home from work to find the apartment cleaned out of furniture and swept clean. His wife (not my mother) was gone. Needless to say, reconciliation wasn’t an option. I also know of a woman who was so alienated from her husband that, from time to time, he’d come down to breakfast and find a note on the kitchen table saying, “Gone.” She’d reappear after a week or so traveling or visiting family. Seldom do you hear of men doing the ‘cut and run’ routine. As a matter of fact, the more frequent story tells the story of men who who have become obsessed with the object of their affections.